Clearing up the misconceptions of polyamory
Polyamory has been often misunderstood by society, resulting in the idea being frowned upon. Illustration: Allure/Elena Boils.
Polyamory is something that is not often portrayed in popular media. When media does show examples of non-monogamous relationships, they often portray problematic polygamous relationships, such as the controversial reality shows Seeking Sister Wife and Seeking Brother Husband created by the network TLC.
Currently, polyamory is rather misunderstood by society as a whole and some who are polyamorous feel their relationships are frowned upon and looked at in the same negative light as cheating.
Polyamory is one of the various forms of non-monogamous relationships. It is different from open relationships, where romantically exclusive relationships allow for casual sexual relationships, with no romantic or emotional attachment.
Polyamory is also different to polygamy. Polygamy is where one person marries multiple partners, and according to Psychology Today, has a more specific definition, “polygamy specifically involves marriage to multiple people of the opposite gender — most frequently, a man having multiple wives.” Polyamory and polygamy are often mistaken for one another.
Being polyamorous myself the biggest misconception I have noticed is the focus on sex. Speaking to friends who are also poly, one common experience is being asked by friend or family they come out to is, “It must be great to be able to fuck who you want,” or questions to that effect.
The focus on sex exposes misconceptions about polyamorous relationships. One of the common misconceptions comes from the stereotype that polyamorous groups or polycules are created by men, who want more sex and who managed to convince their primary partners to go along with it.
Such a stereotype could not be further from the truth. Unlike casual sexual relationships, polyamorous relationships are not something that one can just jump into. It takes time and communication before moves can be made. The same type of courting involved in a monogamous relationship also occurs in polyamorous relationships, taking the time and effort into getting to know a potential partner before committing. In a purely sexual context, such efforts aren’t needed if it’s just for extra sex.
Once there is a desire to commit, hard conversations need to be had. These difficult conversations are there to ensure that all parties are comfortable going ahead with such a relationship. Ground rules also need to be discussed so that everybody involved knows what is okay and what is not. In polyamory, just getting a partner to ‘go along with it’ is not enough, in fact it is toxic. It is about ensuring that all parties involved feel happy and respected in the arrangement.
Another misconception about polyamorous relationships is that they are completely open, where partners and add or subtract from the polycules at their own whims. Once again, for a lot of polyamorous relationships that it simply not the case. Some polycules are completely closed, with sexual and romantic relationships being reserved for those in the circle only. Some allow additional partners but only after a lot of discussion and mutual consent. What is acceptable in a relationship and what isn’t differs from group to group and as such there is no right or wrong arraignment, providing it’s all consensual of course.
Whilst not a misconception perse, one thing that sets a polyamorous relationship apart from a monogamous one is the communication required to keep the relationship healthy for everyone involved. It isn’t the type of communication that is needed that is different but rather how much communication is needed.
Every relationship needs open communication to work, whether it being honest about feelings or setting boundaries. But for polyamory it is extra important. Of course, before even starting, a polycule discussions need to be held between primary partners, this is done to ensure that all parties are comfortable before continuing. Once that is done expectations need to be set, and what is okay and not okay need to be discussed. This is to ensure that no boundaries are accidentally crossed.
When adding people to the polycule the same needs to be done. Unlike monogamy, where these kinds of conversations are between two people and are rather infrequent. In a polycule, the number of times these conversations need to be held more frequently and the number of people involved with the conversations is greater. Not to mention by nature, in a polyamorous relationship these conversations are complex and members of a polycule need to be open otherwise breakdowns in communications happen.
These misconceptions stem from ignorance and potentially disapproval of society. Polyamory is becoming more common with Psychology Today estimating that one fifth of the population of the United States has engaged in, “consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.” With polyamory becoming more common, societies understanding and acceptance should improve as well. With it these misconceptions should be address and people will be able to have a better understanding of not only how polycules work, but those who are polyamorous themselves.
