How gender discovery shapes sexuality

University of Cantebury students are enrolling in te reo Māori courses at a higher rate than previous years.

When transgender people discuss their transitions, the topic of discussion is usually on their journey to understand and accept their gender identity.  But just like gender identity, many transgender people undergo the same process regarding sexuality and how its expressed. Often the journey of self-discovery and acceptance of gender and sexuality are intertwined.

For myself, sexuality was not the main obstacle I had to negotiate whilst I was trying to understand myself and how I identify. I was comfortable with being bisexual. But being able to experiment and express my sexuality was difficult as I was very uncomfortable with my body. Once I began my transition, the discomfort began to fade, and I could focus on expressing my sexuality. Despite hormone therapy’s reputation as a libido killer, I feel that I am more sexually active than ever, and I believe becoming comfortable in my gender identity is the main reason behind it.

Juliet Jackson is a 27-year-old transgender woman. Jackson uses she/her pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. She said she has always been attracted to women, even pre-transition. When Jackson considered herself a man, she felt something was off, she felt uncomfortable being a heterosexual man. When she transitioned, she felt right as a lesbian.

Jackson remembers when it “all clicked” and that she was able to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-transition. Jackson has noted that her libido has decreased, despite feeling comfortable in her sexuality. However, this is due to the estrogen and testosterone blockers as part of her hormone regime.

Mariam Nixon is 26 and is also a transgender woman who uses she/her pronouns. Nixon sees themselves as asexual. Asexuality is where someone has little or no sexual attraction towards others. However, that doesn’t mean asexual people can’t be romantically attracted to people.

Nixon recalls that early on when she was discovering her “transness” she didn’t know she was asexual, “I didn't really know much about it at all.” When Nixon identified as a lesbian she confided in a psychiatrist, “ [it] got me in a lot of trouble” she said. Nixon believes the trouble was the result of being a trans lesbian and how it, “was seen as a disorder and not a valid way of being transgender.” Nixon said she struggled with depression after this.

Nixon felt that being asexual put her at odds with mainstream queer culture and that her ability to feel valid, “continued to be impaired.” What gave her the hardest time was how she was perceived by her fellows, eventually she settled into the idea that she cannot rely on external validation when it came to her sexuality, and with that she became comfortable with her asexual identity.

Fen Callahan is 23 years old and identifies as genderqueer. Callahan uses she/they pronouns and currently see themselves as grey asexual. Grey asexuality is described as the area between asexuality and sexuality. Before coming out, Callahan always saw themselves as straight before coming out as transgender and as result was only attracted to women.

Eventually Callahan began to question their gender identity. They recall how dating a trans woman gave them the confidence to explore not only their gender but also their sexuality. Callahan feels that identifying as transgender shaped their sexuality, and also opened up more opportunities to explore things. “I learned more about myself and sexuality in general.”

Jasper Pritchard is a 27 year old trans man and uses he/him pronouns. Pritchard says that their sexuality, “definitely evolved” as they transitioned. He identified first as bisexual and then as a lesbian before coming out. Pritchard notes that in hindsight he always had attraction to men, but he didn’t acknowledge those feelings, as the idea of being a straight girl felt “very wrong”.

Pritchard spoke of the time he spent pre transition as a lesbian noting that “being a lesbian, I at least felt I was addressing some part of that inherent difference inside of me”. It also allowed him to explore his masculinity in a community that was more open to diverse gender expression.

When Pritchard came out as trans, he started to acknowledge his feelings for men more, and went back to identifying as bisexual, when Pritchard started seeing the results of hormone therapy, he felt more comfortable in identifying as a gay man. However, it wasn’t until he had top surgery that he could, “feel confident enough to pursue gay guys.”

The transgender community is full of stories about personal discovery, whether it be about gender identity or sexuality. Just like gender, sexuality is something that is unique to everyone. Some people are comfortable without much personal reflection, but for others it is something that takes time and experimentation to understand. Sexuality is not a black and white thing, there is a lot of grey. Just like gender, sexuality can be seen as a spectrum, with many different identities and expressions.