Playing with Ourselves: Sex Toys and the Sexual Self

Retail of adult sex toys is a growing business. Source: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels.  

Trying to paint a clear, universal picture of pleasure remains difficult, because there’s no right way to do it. Feeling good sexually, whether through personal stimulation and/or partnered, is not always a priority for all. 

But in promoting positive sexual identity through fostering body positivity, and healthy relationships with sex toys, there might be something of use for everyone.  

Whether a lack of education, or cultural and religious influences, the role sexuality plays in our lives may be concealed. It is important to ensure despite what others feel and say, we remain whole and comfortable within our bodies. 

This may involve a lot of experimentation and trying to figure out what fits best for your preferences, and how far you’re willing to go. 

“A big part of sexual identity development is exploration and experimentation – of self, body, and our relationship to sex, intimacy, and pleasure. Sex toys are one way to facilitate this exploration, and they open us up to new sensations and experiences, both in partnered and solo play,” said Emma Schmidt, a Psychologist and Sexologist. 

“Particularly for people with vaginas and people socialised as women, incorporating sex toys into their sexual experiences can feel very empowering, as it can go a long way to rewriting internalised sexual scrips which centres male pleasure.” 

It is beneficial for people to be focusing on the process of sexual exploration, and how playfulness and curiosity is key. It is not a one size fits all – literally. 

For some, introducing intimacy toys has shifted sexual experience away from an act of service towards valuing their own pleasure, and learning more about themselves. It creates a vulnerable but trusting space for those involved. 

Joshua, a huge advocate for sex toys, understands the power of implementing exciting new technology to make his experiences mutually beneficial and pleasurable for his partner and himself. Joshua’s own connection with his body has been aided using such toys, where exploration is a big contributor.  

“For people like myself who grew up with limited sexual education, toys can be a way of relearning and reprogramming yourself to approach pleasure and sex in a non-judgmental way. More people need to realise the power of missionary, and a trusty vibrator for external stimulation,” Joshua said (he/him). 

“It [sex toys] makes the experience more fun as there’s a bit more of a variety of foreplay. Sometimes it goes wrong and then you have a giggle about it, and it brings a new level of intimacy,” Elizabeth said (she/her). 

Body positivity is incorporated into these discussions about sexual identity, as how you perceive yourself can be critical to fostering enjoyment in the bedroom. 

“When you feel good in your body no matter what it’s shape or size, this will mean you are more relaxed during sex and able to feel more pleasure. We need a level of safety to experience pleasure and orgasm and having positive body image is one way of creating that safety,” said Lucy Rowett, a Sexologist and Sex Coach. 

However, for those who wish to focus on a more neutral approach to the physical self, the term ‘body neutrality’ may be more appropriate. 

This idea emphasises the body as a vehicle for connection and intimacy, although a positive relationship with one’s appearance has benefits, such as feeling desirable. 

“Self-pleasure is somewhat in a way forcing you to actually look at your body, feel your body and see how others may perceive you, in an intimate way. This may sound scary, but can definitely help you see yourself in a different light and learn to accept your body in its natural form,” said Katelyn (she/her). 

Many people still feel stigma around using sex toys and discussing their sexual needs. It doesn’t always come easy, even for those with a more nuanced approach.  

“Sex toys can be considered only for the kinky when that’s not the case. We definitely could talk about it more,” said Elizabeth. 

“We feel the need to hide the fact that we may potentially be interested in them [sex toys] or currently do use them,” said Katelyn. 

A lot of the past and existing taboos can be attributed to gendered issues. This includes, but is not exclusive to, there being a shameful and dirty undertone for individuals, particularly women, desiring, and seeking pleasure. 

“I think we’ve come a long way in regards to breaking down taboos about expressing sexuality and using sex toys. Unfortunately, I do think this largely a gendered issue, and it comes back to the sexual scripts we have been socialised with,” said Schmidt. 

Despite this, there are strategies and support recommended for overcoming this stigma and finding more open and accepting environments to exploring sexual identity. This includes communicating needs with sexual partners, relying on the privacy of online shopping for intimacy stuff (vibrators, dildos, bondage gear, condoms, lube etc.), and seeking out workshops. 

For online outreach, finding professionals and advocates through social media who can be a reference point is another possibility. 

“I recommend first following sex positive social media accounts,” said Rowett. 

“Consciously curate your feed with affirming and positive people and organisations so that you sort of positively brainwash yourself into thinking that sex toys are a good thing. Listen to podcasts, read books, watch TV series or documentaries.”  

Having a healthy relationship with our bodies, our sexualities and the devices that get us off takes time and effort. But it’s worth it to recognise that everyone deserves to feel good, whether that be sexually or just in day-to-day life.