Man or Bear? Sparking a debate on sexual violence

Collection of responses to the ‘Man or Bear’ debate from TikTok. Source: Olivia Welsh. 

Content warning for discussion of sexual assault and gender-based violence. 

Sexual violence and assault, particularly toward women, is a subject that many classify as ‘taboo’, or purposely disengage with because of its heaviness. This can be common due to the uncomfortable reality that fear concerning gender exists. 

Recently, a question has been circulating on online platforms – most notably TikTok – asking people if they would rather be in the woods with a man or a bear. It’s a purely hypothetical and subjective situation, but it has opened a broader conversation around gender, violence, and safety. 

While the question has been posed to, and answered by, women, I have seen numerous instances of videos where they inquire the same question to the males in their lives: their boyfriends, partners, brothers, fathers, and friends. 

It’s an eye-opening experience to watch both the hesitation and realisation that this debate has caused; because most people are saying they’d rather be stuck with the bear. 

It’s rewarding to bring in expert and varying perspectives when addressing these topics because the answers aren’t so crystal clear. I got in contact with Aviva, a non-profit organisation that advocates for a violence-free Aotearoa New Zealand and focuses on the integration of crisis services and prevention work. 

Jo Bader, Aviva’s Manager of Sexual Violence Services, and Laura Shields, Team Lead, shed some light on how ‘Man or Bear?’ is serving as a lens to explore this societal issue. 

“Anything that sparks a conversation or gets people talking about this is useful, though there is always a risk of polarisation,” said Bader. 

Given that both scenarios entail a level of risk, the decision to choose between the man or the bear hinges on individual experiences. A key insight from this online debate is the significance of collective participation in finding solutions, with men needing to showcase their trustworthiness and work towards bridging the safety gap. 

A challenge lies in translating these discussions into tangible, real-world actions. This is because while awareness will always be a requirement, it is not sufficient without engagement, dialogue, and listening.  

“It is really important that men are part of that solution and allied with women… what we want is for everyone to engage in it,” said Bader. “The kind of collective outrage from a lot of men is a form of men defining women’s experiences.”

Bader emphasised that Aviva is not anti-men or male-identifying individuals. It is essential to recognise that men can also be victims of sexual violence and assault, and their experiences are equally valid. 

Aviva offers support to those over the age of 18 who have encountered sexual violence classified as high-end or low-end. Despite lacking funding for prevention efforts, Aviva has realised the necessity of integrating prevention work with crisis intervention. 

Their focus centres on busting myths around sexual violence, creating upstander campaigns, and challenging fatalistic mindsets. Because there is something you can do about it. 

Vulnerable groups, such as LGBTQIA+, elderly, and disability communities are among the most underserved and at high risk. The presence of a Kaupapa Māori sexual violence service, Te Puna Oranga, in Ōtautahi Christchurch, is a valuable resource. 

The ‘Man or Bear?’ discussion highlights the privilege of those who view it as straightforward, as it offers a fresh perspective on the #MeToo movement and provides a platform for women and other individuals to share their stories. 

Unfortunately, some have misused this dialogue to fuel an anti-trans debate, detracting from its intended purpose. Even the way some men are reacting to it reinforces why women are choosing the bear. It is not a simple explanation. 

“It’s psychologically what men represent,” said Shields. 

When asking Bader and Shields their thoughts on how people can contribute to creating safer spaces, it all came back to awareness.  

“Embrace the discomfort. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable,” answered Bader, who spoke passionately about bringing about a breakthrough. 

“Be aware of the power imbalance that exists between genders,” said Shields. “We can’t shy away as a society.” 

Huge news platforms like CNN, HealthNews, and Forbes have caught on to the viral debate and are making conclusions about it. The question reveals the disturbing reality of gender-based violence but has also been deemed “misandrist”. Others have also been using it as an excuse to make fun of and mock women. 

But as I mentioned before, it is all about individual perspectives that matter. There is a point to having something this accessible and nuanced circulate the internet, and that is to invite the conversation. 

Megan, 22, is a female Psychology student who is well aware of the debate. “I was quite shocked by how quickly my immediate reaction was to choose the bear. I didn’t even think at all, it was like a second-nature response.” 

“It made me realise the fear of men and my safety that stems really deep.” 

Louis, 27, had a lot to share due to his personal ties with the issue. “I’m a big advocate for the power of an uncomfortable conversation.” 

“When it comes to sexual violence, the harm it causes and the effects it has on someone shouldn’t be a taboo subject,” he said. “Every person should have the right to speak openly on things that have happened to them.” 

“As a man, I would say that men need to be more aware of how they come across. Harmless or not… we need to be more vocal about men’s wrongdoings, and more vocal about the impact sexual violence on any scale can have on someone, and just educate ourselves,” said Louis. 

“Speak to women, listen and try to understand.” 

Background on the Thursdays in Black club at UC. Source: UCSA / Thursdays in Black. 

There are campaigns and initiatives aimed at preventing and responding to sexual violence, which include Thursdays in Black Aotearoa. The University of Canterbury even has its own student-led Thursdays in Black club, which has hosted sexual wellbeing panels, self-defence classes, and “What I Was Wearing” exhibitions. The latter challenges the victim-blaming misconception that what a person wore when they were sexually assaulted contributed to their assault. 

It is a very serious, and very intimate, showcase that spreads awareness. 

Writing this article has been a difficult experience because of the emotional and physical harm that sexual violence inflicts on people. But shying away from such a topic, one that many consider ‘taboo’, is not an option. 

There is power in calling behaviour out and raising awareness, whether it’s ensuring your mate is not being handsy at the club, or shifting the burden onto those who are more at risk of harming. Engaging in debates and educating yourself is important, so keep being curious, and be brave enough to think about how you’re perceived. 

This is all deeply engrained due to the prevalence of violence against women, but so much can be done to ensure that we are looking out for our wāhine, while still being aware that sexual violence affects all genders.