Lesbians and the Men Who Love Them

Source: Alex Jackman on Unsplash

Opinion piece

Content Warning: sexual harassment and sexual assault.

Any woman who dares bat their eyelashes at another woman can fall victim. My friends and I have bonded over the shared experience of adding our sexualities to a Hinge profile only to be met with a four-word response by some guy. “You’re [insert girl-kissing-orientation here]? That’s hot.” Telling a man you’re gay seems like it would turn him away as efficiently as pepper-spray, instead it turns him on. These shared encounters highlight the troubling trend: pervasive sexualisation of lesbian identities.  

Initially, it is difficult to understand why this cultural phenomenon is commonplace. The sexualisation of anything requires thought and/or action about those first three letters - sex. So why is it that straight men are so intrigued by a fantasy in which they would play no role?  

It is a separate fantasy to, say, a threesome, where he would at least have a purpose. Perhaps it is the voyeuristic, ‘I’m-not-supposed-to-be-here-but-I-am’ nature of it all. Perhaps it is the idea of changing a woman. Or, perhaps it is nothing more than having power over them.  

This idea is touched on in a review for the Japanese film, Ride or Die, where an author for DIVA Magazine notes that, “Straight men have long had a fascination with lesbian women, viewing them as challenges to win over because it is unfathomable that sex could happen and be enjoyed without a man being involved.”

And it’s not reduced to one medium either. Many modern songs popularised in our culture include descriptions of lesbians being fetishised by straight men.  

Take I Like Girls by PnB, for instance, which opens with the lyric, “I like girls who like girls.” Straight to the point, if nothing else. This lyric encapsulates a popular trope in modern music where sapphic relationships are simplified and objectified. Girls Want Girls, a Drake song released in 2021, exhibits these same fantasies. “Staring at your dress because it’s see-through, say that you a lesbian, girl, me too.” Drake, buddy, you are not like us either! This hyper sexualisation has severe implications, permitting sexuality to be used as a tool for objectification.  

This pattern of fetishisation extends beyond art and into various entertainment industries, particularly the porn industry, where the portrayal of lesbian relationships is often tailored to satisfy the male gaze. In 2023, ‘Lesbian’ was the third-most frequent Pornhub search term in the world, and the first in the USA. This statistic underscores how deeply ingrained and widespread the fetishisation of lesbian relationships is in Western society. 

Two statistics, side by side of the world vs the USA in terms of searches on PornHub. Source: PornHub.com/Insights.

Now, Pornhub’s own analysis sheds light on the nuances of different demographics, noting that the lesbian genre(?) was the 1st most viewed category for women, and the 7th most for men. A quote from PornHubs Insights suggests that, “[i]t seems to signify that no matter your gender or sexual orientation, viewers love to see two women getting together.”  

However, the way lesbian relationships are depicted in pornography, especially high-budget, profit-driven porn, cater to straight men’s fantasies rather than expressing genuine lesbian intimacy. These portrayals are typically hyper-feminised and almost exclusively involve women who conform to patriarchal beauty standards, ignoring the diversity within the sapphic community. Not only is it misrepresentation, it contributes to the epidemic of queer relationships being reduced to mere spectacles for male pleasure.  

Each recurring example of this demonstrates that straight men believe we are helpless, inexperienced beings in need of being taught about the wonders of heterosexuality, and not human people capable of making our own decisions and having an understanding of our own bodies. This belief shared amongst straight men puts queer women in danger, brewing accusations about ‘faking’ lesbianism and attempts to ‘change’ a woman’s sexuality to better suit the man’s own desires.  

In everyday social settings, the hyper-sexualisation of lesbians permeates into different scenarios. Sure, it’s men on dating apps, it’s celebrities, it’s TV and film. It’s two straight girls drunkenly slobbering over each other and giggling about how ‘crazy’ they are. And I don’t mention this to place blame on intoxicated, often young girls, they’re not the main problem. The problem is that it’s more than that. 

It’s queer women being more likely to experience sexual assault in tertiary settings in NZ. It’s queer women being more likely to experience rape in tertiary settings in NZ. It’s the fact that despite the sexual orientation of these women, according to the NZFVC, 88.6% of offenders are male, reflecting broader issues of gender-based violence and emphasising the specific risks faced by queer women. What these statistics highlight is the heightened vulnerability of queer women in educational environments, where safety and support should be a priority. 

These realities underscore our urgent need for societal change in order to protect queer women from systemic prejudices. Only by addressing these harmful perceptions and promoting genuine representation can we hope to create a safer environment for everyone, because this should be a problem in the first place.