A letter from a Christian girl who loves sex
An assortment of sex toys and helpers suggested by Viki.
Dear ladies and Gentlemen and non-binary folk… It's time to discuss pleasure.
I had a relatively sheltered upbringing, lived in a Christian household, and never dated anyone until after high school. But then I left for university, fell in love and my mind opened to the world of sex. I wanted to know everything about it. From a person who has now watched countless shows about pleasure, educated herself about all the sex toys and loves sex, this is something I am incredibly passionate about.
I still hold my faith dear to me, but I want to be religious and be able to talk openly about sex.
So here is a love letter to you all about my recipe for ultimate pleasure. The ingredients include education, consent, and time, all to maximise the joy of having sex.
My sex education was certainly better than others, but it still needed work. How are people meant to have safe sex, when we see it everywhere but still don’t really talk about it? I think sex ed should include more about what healthy relationships and sex involves, because porn, unfortunately, is not the answer and not everyone has healthy relationship role models and that’s okay. Once we start talking more openly about love, sex and relationships the better the sex we’ll all have.
Education
Let's start from the very beginning.
In an ideal world, the concept of virginity would not be a thing anymore. It was designed to control women, it is derogatory, extremely outdated, and well overdue for retirement.
However, as this isn’t a perfect world, here are some more contemporary ways of thinking about virginity.
Virginity is whatever you define it to be, no matter your gender or sexuality. You can lose your virginity more than once, and redefining virginity can be healthy and part of self-healing.
Physiologically, virginity refers to a woman's hymen, which supposedly breaks the first time she has sex. This doesn't happen, the hymen can break whilst riding a horse and some women aren’t even born with one. The whole idea is bullshit really.
Another thing we should learn, is that pleasure is a human right. Everyone should be allowed to have fantastic orgasms. There have been countless studies that prove it to be a stress relief, that it boosts self-confidence, reduces anxiety, and improves sleeping habits. I think if we get over the taboo of sex, society would be a sunnier place. I mean, imagine a world where a prescription for a vibrator is given for sleeping problems, instead of sleeping pills.
However, it is important to note orgasms are a process that is different to each person. You must feel comfortable, safe and informed that what you are doing is the right thing for you at that time. Now of course the above things apply to sex with other people, but it also applies to sex by yourself.
Masturbation
You need to feel calm and take the time to feel you, make it a date for yourself. This may sound cringe, but it is crucial. Masturbation shouldn’t be forced, take the time you need and if it doesn’t feel right, that’s okay. Masturbation isn’t something to be ashamed of, it is a process of discovering yourself and learning about your pleasures, what you like or don’t like, and even different types of porn (ethical of course), audio, visuals, or erotica. It is truly the definition of ‘Me’ time. You are educating yourself about what you like, play with different positions, toys and content to get you going.
The next thing to learn about is porn. It can be harmful, and it is important to know where the porn you’re viewing comes from. Yeah, it is annoying to pay for porn but usually that means the content is ethical. There’s so much more out there than PornHub and OnlyFans. Did you know there's a platform where you can write to the fabulous director Erica Lust (yes that is her real name), about your fancies and she may create a whole adult film about it, with actors that act, proper professional lighting with storylines that are hot and aren’t awkward. If you don’t like to watch, there's plenty of audio and erotica/smut out there. It’s all up to you to experiment.
I am aware there are unhealthy habits to do with porn and masturbation, but only after we start talking about it, the easier it gets to ask for help. Porn is influencing so many young people nowadays and there really needs to be a change in the type of content people watch. Do some digging for companies that include feminist ideas, contraception, different body types and sexualities and for goodness’ sake, better actors.
It is your body and there’s so much to discover about it. Educating yourself about your body or the opposite sex’s will allow you to feel more comfortable with yourself and your partner/s. This also includes just knowing the male and female anatomy, you’ve got to know where things are to have a good time.
Consent
Now however you’re having sex with others, consent is extremely important. I’m not meaning just saying yes, I’m meaning all parties knowing what's about to happen. Everyone should have some type of protection against STIs and pregnancy, be aware of their desires and everyone is enthusiastic about the experience. That is proper consent. Without that, sex and sexual activities are a violation of someone's body and space.
After we have established consent, exploring yourself, what feels nice and what doesn't, using different types of lubes, sex toys, and positions, are all part of the fun and are vital for achieving pleasure.
Let me put it this way, if you ain't having sex to procreate, the only other purpose for it is pleasure. So, let’s make the best of it!
Talking about sex with your sexual partner/s is a wonderful way of gaining maximal pleasure and consent. Asking can be hot and more feminist porn companies are including this in their content. There’s also no harm in googling “hot ways to ask for consent”. If I found my partner was putting this much effort into me feeling comfortable, that on its own, is a turn-on!
Talking about ways to spice up your sex life is a great way for long-term partners to still talk about consent. There’s no shame in discussing role-play, different toys, or restraints or even things you just don’t like anymore. You deserve to feel safe, warm and satisfied.
Time
Lastly, I think there’s still so much pressure to be having sex. It’s important to know that not everyone is doing it.
Something I’ve learnt is sex shouldn’t be forced, if you aren’t feeling it, that’s okay. Virginity isn’t a problem that must be fixed. If you want sex it will happen, but it’s not fun when it’s all you can think about because you haven’t done it yet.
If you are a person that only wants to have sex when married that’s okay, if you are someone that only wants sex with a person you’re in a relationship with that’s okay, if you’re someone who loves a good hook-up, there’s no harm in that, and if you’re happy riding the solo train, you do you boo.
It’s important to know that you don’t have to wait for someone to join you, to experience pleasure, you can find it yourself. There’s always time to explore yourself and find what your body likes. Time gives you the best opportunity for that.
The point I’m really trying to make is sex needs to go at your own pace. Sex should never be pressured and shouldn’t require lots of persuasion. The concept of virginity is silly but who cares if you’ve had sex or not.
It doesn't matter when you start, how often you have sex, or how many people you enjoy it with whilst staying safe. Sex is a you thing and you should be able to enjoy it however you like!
So that is my recipe for pleasure from a young woman who loves it!
Yours truly,
Viki.
Lil Uzi Vert’s album cover for Pink Tape.
In this discourse, one counter to the counter-narrative that always pops up is the dog whistle complaint that “all women do is rap about sex,” which 1) is not remotely true, and 2) isn’t gender-exclusive and is built on hypocritical foundations. The furthest you have to look to prove otherwise is the two top non-female hip hop albums on the charts. (Gender-nonconforming) Lil Uzi Vert’s Pink Tape cuts straight to the chase on Flooded The Face, rapping “First of all, I fuck eight bitches a day // How could you ever say Lil Uzi gay // Fuck four of 'em raw, fuck four of 'em safe // Think I'm splittin' the odds before you to debate.” And on a Gift & a Curse, Gunna does his due diligence to set the record straight on tracks such as his hit song fukumean, where he says, “Fucking this bitch like a perv // Smack from the back, grab her perm,” and “Suck with no hands, you can learn // Let's see how much you can earn.” Pshh, and they say romance is dead.