How to be a good mate

Navigating a world that’s riddled with uncertainty, accountability, and bloody expenses, means that a lot of expectations are placed upon us in this crucial time of our lives. Sufficient well-being is unattainable, susceptibility to sickness is as high as Snoop, and the $302.32 from student loan can barely cover the rice from undercroft.

Students from R&R hall 2022 at their student toga night, Photo: Sophie Clarke.

It is simply impossible to view life ‘as a movie’ without a fellow traveler or two, because who else is there to reminisce and co-exist in the pure moments of joy that student life provides?

Independence is epic and important to thrive as an individual, but there’s something incredibly special about creating an internal world where your friendships play such an important role. This article is just a little reflection on the current status of friendships across a broad spectrum of voices, helping you to reflect on your surrounding figures, and how we all are friends to other people.

What is friendship?

By definition,  a friend is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. It can also be a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an "acquaintance" or an "association", such as a classmate, neighbour, co-worker, or colleague.

Those definitions are all cut from thej same cloth, but in our current studious society friendships are a fruitful and delightful combination of varying factors that combine to bake the sweetest friendship cake. Friendship is holding each other’s hair back, splitting a large curly fries from Ottos, DMC’s in the mono mosh (RIP), wagging lectures together, life-threatening birthday posts and outrageously long facetimes for no reason.

Friends are essential characters in the coming-of-age stories that are our lives, enchanting our journeys with life lessons and support. But with friendships, can come pain. Trust can transform into dishonesty, secrets can revert to exposure, and connection may not sustain.

Foundational friendships

Like a great building, friendship needs foundations of which provide stability to the structure. It appears through my anonymous questionnaire that there’s a few foundational factors to friendships that consistently pop up in conversation.

A good friend defined in the participants reiterated someone who listens as the number one foundational factor of being a good friend, followed by the importance of loyalty/trust and finding comfort without fear of judgement.

“Someone who can be there for you, in your toughest time but also celebrate your best times. Someone who can make you ugly laugh, calls you out on your sh*t, makes an effort to hangout and puts you on new music,” said an anonymous student.

Makes an effort. A characteristic that (surprisingly) rarely came up in conversation. Mutualistic effort is a key insight into a thriving or flopping friendship, where a non-reciprocal exchange may bring to light a not-so-great foundational friendship.

One writer stated that, “I am done putting effort in to get no result. I’m constantly filling up your cup but getting nothing from it so at this time I’ve chosen to just let it go and if they want to fill my cup they can come to me because I’m done asking.”

This is an incredibly honest and hard revelation to have, but something that’s important to internalise in order to establish self-worth and quit digging a hole that will not get filled.

 A hot take on shit mates

“I just notice that my flat mates will never check in on me. They’re always going out and doing things and I’m the last person on their mind to invite. And it f*cking sucks,” said one UC student.

A not so fun revelation is realising your ‘good’ mates might actually ‘sh*t’ mates. The phone will stop ringing, the conversation will lessen, the invites won’t be extended, and your back may be stabbed.

Revelation can be shown through experiences like this, “I had a best friend betray me multiple times during the first half of the year. I learnt that unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance, so I cut ties with her after the last thing she did. Decided to respect myself and what I deserve and stick to my boundaries,” said another student.

It can sometimes be pretty shocking to learn that mates may be a bit shitty.

A slow burn of sh*tty behaviour is easy to push under the rug, but to nip it in the bud and prioritize yourself is the hard part.

Examples spread far and wide in terms of betrayal from a friend, like sleeping with the person they liked (yikes), getting ditched for a boy, flatting disputes and jealousy getting brushed under the rug causing unresolved tension.

A simple and careless wake to break a heart is not showing up or reaching out for someone’s birthday. I vividly remember seeing a TikTok about this where a woman explained how hurtful it can be, showing your ‘friends’ true colours.

The drift

“They let their own insecurities change who they were friends with. It ended the friendship as we just drifted apart.”

This could be your first year’s halls neighbour, the bro from your favourite P.E class, the girl you failed math with or your co-offender in preschool shenanigans, sometimes these friendships just don’t stick, and that is okay.

Different to the previous section, sometimes there doesn’t need to be a drastic fallout or cold-hearted betrayal, as occasionally the world will take its natural turn and the separation of a pairing or group does not need to hold bad blood. As we grow, we mature, and as we mature, we change.

Alumni group from Rochester and Rutherford Hall from 1972.

When your friend falls in love

As someone’s who’s an overthinker, bundled in a lovely relationship, who loves her friends, the struggle is real, to find that goddamn balance sometimes, and the line is fine.

I am hyperaware of maintaining a balance as I’ve felt the pain of losing a friend to a lover a few too many times. But it is so manageable to maintain healthy relationships on both sides and even to intertwine. Individuals that are in a relationship have to attend to themselves and to another person, which means priorities lie in the hands of the lover.

When asked if there was any ‘screw you’ that people wanted to say, a couple popped up including a slightly cringe “bro’s before hoes” comment.

“All jokes aside, it is not worth losing a friend over a lover. Your friends will be the ones to heal a heart they didn’t break,” one student said.

4 year old Elsie Williams (left) painting Genevieve Bell’s (right) face at kindergarten.

If you’re in a relationship, there’s no harm to check in with your mates and establish whether you’re making enough time for them and literally just do some self-reflection, you don’t want to get caught in the deep end with no one if things go sour.

And to those who may not be coupled up, know your worth and call ‘em out! Or on the other spectrum, go easy on your mate, they may just be catching the reigns of balance and need some time to

Just be there

If you haven’t already caught on to it by now, find out your love language! For some people it might be easy to guess their chosen form of expressing love, but the sooner you find out, the sooner you can hone into how you treasure your friendships in a way that emits love.

Tell them they look hot/slay/sexy/handsome! What is the harm in affirming your friends to empower them to feel good? A simple deed that never goes un-noticed.

If something feels…a little out of normality, and a friend just seems ‘off’, ask them “what’s up, are you okay?” Queue the snotty tears, a quiet wale, a launching hug, or a “yep I’m all good, thanks.”

If you feel prepared and comfortable to be there for someone whilst they may be going through a tough time, lend your hand to someone who may need a shoulder to cry on. If you may feel slightly awkward, or a little flail yourself to take on someone’s potential response to confide in you, hold fire, and commence when comfortable or pass it on to a friend who can do it.

Cherie Hagger (left) and Monica Williams (right) laughing over how they met over a glass of wine.

To conclude, this is not a recipe, and there is no cake. Because how the heck can you compact the complexities of friendships into a list that looks great, feels organic and fresh, tastes sweet and makes you feel good? Instead, this is a bundle of anonymous anecdotes that hopefully make you feel a little less alone in the dwelling of friendships.

Humankind is conditioned to stuff up whilst trying to understand how to live life on a floating rock, and as Hannah Montana said, nobody’s perfect! Finding a perfect world with perfect grades and perfect friends is non-existent, so let’s focus on the basics where we have some control: Friends.

Be selfish! Surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself, the ones who make you feel smart and sexy, the ones who rub your back when you’ve had a bad day, the friends that will always pick up the phone when you call.

Household sign depicting the recipe to friendship

And never forget to be the friend who reaches out, who performs cute gestures, who shows they care, who holds the secrets and does not share. Set the standard! Be the mate everyone wants to be friends with! Know your blimmin worth and pride yourself on the friend you are to others, and seek the ones who meet that energy. Find the soul in your mates.