My Issues with the Signs - from an Aquarius Woman

View of the stars from Twizel. Source: Madilin Macpherson / Canta.  

Take from this what you will, I am a professional of no means - yes I am. These accurate readings are not intended to be personally directed, unless you fit the description which in that case it is certainly about you x 

Capricorn 

Capricorn women, you can’t change him. He cheated on you three times - let that man go. The self-worth is on the floor, surely you’re better off just being single rather than being fucked around by all the partners you go for. Maybe your problem is that you keep going for Capricorn men? Capricorn men can’t be changed. These men are impossible to tie down simply because they have commitment issues, but if you’re lucky enough to get one, they will stay loyal because they’re too lazy to do anything else.  

Aquarius 

Aquarius women are highly intelligent (yes I am bragging), but our issue stems from this quality. We are insufferable know-it-alls. When this comes crashing down and god forbid we get something wrong, it isn’t normal to spiral. Like Queen, we should just take it in our stride and learn from our mistakes. But then again, disregard all of that because Aquarius women are perfect. Aquarius men are permanently soul searching. It is important to have human connections with people other than the voices in your head. Promise you there are people out there that will understand your intellectual depth that makes you ‘not like other guys’, despite the voices telling you otherwise. 

Pisces 

Everyone loves a bit of RnR. Pisces men take this to the extreme, so relaxed to the point where leaving the flat or going to university becomes too strenuous of a task for these poor babies. The dad bod might be a good laugh with the boys, but is another DoorDash sesh on the couch really necessary? Pisces women are also incredibly lax, but to the point where you become doormats because you don’t have the energy to stand up for yourself. I promise you if you’re needing to put on a different personality for people to like you, you aren’t around the right people. Self-love includes cutting off nasty people from your life queen x. 

Aries 

Your issue is simple. You needed to be weaned off the tit prior to your 15th birthday. Nothing wrong with loving your mother, but the ‘mummy’s boy’ epidemic of Aries men needs to be thoroughly researched. I pray for your sake you will reach a point in your life where you can work through your fear of fruits and vegetables, nobody should be afraid of fibre supported regular bowel movements king x. Aries women stay true to their fire sign tendencies, incredibly loyal and direct. Surely learn some compassion for everyone else’s sake though, not everything needs to be resolved via the block button.  

Taurus 

You guys need to put your god complex aside and stop being so stubborn, you will never be able to convince everyone that your opinion is correct. There is absolutely no need to have a tantrum any time someone doesn’t want to do what you wanted to do. That wasn’t even acceptable when we were 7. Also, take a hint - maybe the reason people don’t want to choose your plan is because it benefits you and you only. 

Gemini 

Male Manipulator: Final Boss. Just because you’re ‘in touch with your emotions’ for listening to Girl in Red and Suki Waterhouse, doesn’t mean you can get away with being emotionless in every other aspect of your life. You get a slight pass simply because I know your poor brain hasn’t recovered from the continuous rugby concussions. Now that I think about it, maybe there is a correlation between the contact sport related brain damage and the baby talk you swear is ‘just a pisstake’ to the boys… 

Cancer 

You know how there are sex offender lists to warn of predators in your area? Vote for me for UCSA President and I will create one just for cancer men. For the safety of yourself and the people around you - do not step within a 10 kilometre radius of a cancer man. But if you’re willing to risk it, please at least wait until his frontal lobe has developed. Zero emotional intelligence or self-awareness was assigned to you at birth - only the 666 on your skull. Cancer women on the other hand are debilitating people pleasers. Stand up for yourself every once in a while queen, your bare ass is showing with the amount you bend over for everyone else.   

Leo 

Leo men think that they are gods' gift to comedy, please laugh at their jokes for the safety of your hallway wall they will punch a hole in if you didn’t. Their confidence - or should I say cockiness - is charming in the beginning, but the more you get to know them you quickly realise it is all a facade for their crippling insecurities. It is okay to admit you love a cuddle at the end of the day king, the tough boy persona never gets you far. Leo women, please chill the fuck out. You cannot possibly get everything done in 24 hours, maybe like ask for help every once in a while. I know how much you guys love to take things to heart when you aren’t the best at everything, but it is more than okay to admit defeat.  

Virgo 

Virgo men and women are very thoughtful and make for great intellectual conversation. These conversations are few and far between, as they are the unemployed friend that somehow become uncontactable for weeks at a time. They get very caught up in their own heads with all their bright ideas, enabling their issue of forgetting other people exist in the world. Maybe take the jump and, idk, be vulnerable? Can guarantee there are people around you that share the same thoughts and feelings as you, go figure pookie! 

Libra 

Both Libra men and women are the loveliest, sweetest people to have as friends. Unfortunately I have come to discover the reasoning behind their kindness is that they aren’t all there in the head. Despite the lack of brain cells, they are always able to be the most inviting person in the room. Do not be too concerned if a Libra doesn’t seem present in a conversation from time to time, their brain power is just maxing out in an attempt to clock what you meant four sentences ago.  

Scorpio 

Scorpio women, don’t you get sick of crying over the fact that your homemade chicken carbonara didn’t taste as good as you thought it would? I am all for having a good cry when something goes wrong, but every other night isn’t healthy pookie - pls seek help. Or even better, find a niche to monetise the litre of tears you shed weekly. Here’s an idea! Find yourself a Scorpio man to wipe those tears away, you know they’ll stay loyal to the point of obsession. Maybe don’t take that advice actually, a Scorpio man is the kind of man to turn up to your flat demanding answers if you leave him on delivered for longer than 30 minutes. Scorpio men take ‘nice guys finish last’ to a whole ‘nother degree.  

Sagittarius 

Sagittarius men, you will forever have my heart. Unless you are a November born Sagittarius, in that case - I hope you rot. December born Sag men are down-to-earth kings, with an incredible spontaneity and wanderlust for life which has always been my draw to you. However, your issue plays hand-in-hand with my favourite quality of yours. Your chronic desire to be the lone cowboy, thinking that no one could match your freak. It is okay to accept love into your life, pinkie promise you won’t combust, king. Sag women on the other hand, I think you need to be bought back down to earth more often, but I still love my little space cadets x.