Consent is Sexy
‘We need to be more open about our needs, wants and boundaries’. Source: Git Stephen Gitau / Pexels.
Content warning: Mentions of sexual assault and sexual violence.
Consent in society can apply to many different situations, from the consent to reveal personal information about someone, photographing others, and engaging in non-sexual forms of touch such as handshakes and hugging.
But when we think about consent, do most of us automatically link it to sex?
As it pertains to sexual activity, when consent is ignored, sexual violence is prevalent, and can cause lasting pain and trauma in both a physical and mental sense. Therefore, before anyone’s clothes come off, it should always be ensured that mutual consent has been established.
The setting and establishment of boundaries in sexual relationships can act as a great deterrent for individuals. Being able to communicate what you feel comfortable doing, and what you’d rather steer clear of, can be difficult for a variety of reasons.
Naomi Midgley, a Sex Therapist and Psychologist for Elevation Psychology, has elaborated on this through the connection between sex, trauma, and safety.
“Overall, trauma can impact a person’s ideas about, and approach to, intimacy and consent in the sense that it can challenge the beliefs and expectations we have of people and the world,” Midgley said.
“From a consent perspective, because trauma can damage a person’s sense of self and their ability to set boundaries, you might find they struggle with their ability to say no to things they don’t feel comfortable with.”
This is not just a professional’s outlook, but one that is shared by the public; everyday people who have navigated their own personal issues with relationships.
“I really struggled to set boundaries because of low self-esteem when I was younger. I thought it was a type of validation even if I didn’t necessarily want to do it,” said Anonymous A (she/her), when referring to their past sexual experiences.
“Some challenges I used to face were speaking up for myself when I started getting uncomfortable. That’s why I found establishing a physical sign such as tapping out a great way to voice my consent,” Anonymous B (she/her) said.
A reason that having conversations about consent, and the complex mechanisms of sex, may be difficult due to how its portrayed in media. Often, television and film push for sex scenes that are not always accurate or universal - especially for young people exploring their sexual desires for the first time.
“These scenes [in the media] are designed to depict passion, lust, love, or other strong emotions between characters, but they often omit the natural pauses, awkwardness, and proper communication regarding consent that occur in real-life encounters,” Anonymous C (she/her) said.
L.C (he/him), noted how consent in media is often touched on when characters are in the middle of passionate scenes rather than at the start, stating that, “I honestly haven’t seen consent be shown in any film or TV other than one character saying, ‘are you sure?’ while they’re already in the heat of the moment.”
Communicating consent needs to be at the forefront, and this can be seen through such initiatives as ‘It’s A Man’s Issue’, a programme that uses dialogue and education to target this very serious and critical issue. Midgley’s cousin, Curtis Rayment, is responsible for the creation of ‘It’s A Man’s Issue’, with the purpose of teaching people, particularly boys and young men throughout schools and organisations, about consent, rape culture, and toxic masculinity.
“I like what he’s doing because he’s removing the taboo and teaching young people how to have effective and open conversations about consent,” Midgley commented, in reference to Rayment’s impact in Australia, and the rest of the world.
“This is the type of generational change that I’m talking about.”
By having these conversations, which can get uncomfortable, there is less room for ambiguity and the possibility of people feeling unsafe. Sex can be a way of expression and connection, allowing individuals to be free with their bodies. But like with many things, there are the factors of danger, and manipulation.
“In the end, it takes two to tango…I believe we also see a lot of sexual disappointment as well from the self-serving approach that ignores an initial conversation about what the other is into,” said Anonymous D (he/him).
Talking about, and educating people, on consent and the need for creating healthy boundaries lifts that stigma and ensures our society is one that is informed.
As stated by Midgley in a fun metaphor, “If society was weird about scrambled eggs, then you’re not going to easily walk into a café and ask for scrambled eggs publicly.”
Asking for consent and checking in with your partner to see if they are still having a good time is the epitome of sexy. But also, being able to accept that sometimes people change their minds, and that is perfectly fine.
Your body is your own, and you should never feel that you must use it in ways that go against what you want and believe in. Never.