Loneliness, even when you’re always connected

While it may seem ironic, you’re not the only person feeling lonely at uni. Source: Unsplash. 

*Names have been changed for anonymity. 

It can be hard to talk about loneliness.  

You can joke about it, of course. You can tell people you spend most of your time with Netflix, so much so, it might have become your closest friend. You can say you haven’t left your house today, and might not even go outside tomorrow, but in a digital age where we are always connected it can be difficult to truly admit to feeling alone. 

According to psychology and social media expert Kongmeng Liew, loneliness is what fills the void when you perceive a deficit in your social relationships 

Liew told Canta: “A lot of people think that it’s about things like how many friends you have or how much time you spend with someone. That’s not necessarily true.”  

Someone who may have a lot of friends at first glance, may still feel lonely if they perceive those relationships to be cursory, or lacking in depth and quality. Although we are almost always plugged in, our engagement online can also often feel superficial. 

Liew told Canta loneliness can manifest in many aspects of a students’ life, and although it feels isolating, ironically, you’re not alone in feeling lonely at uni.  

According to Liew, this sense of isolation can significantly reduce wellbeing, and can rapidly lead to poorer academic outcomes, engaging in problematic behaviours like alcohol or substance abuse, or seeking parasocial relationships, like in binge-watching shows.  

According to postgraduate sociology student Charlie* “loneliness is a mix of feelings in my opinion. Sometimes it feels like a void in your chest and other times it feels like a weight. Sometimes it's both”.  

“I think young people, especially online, tend to overcompensate and overshare as a method of connecting,” she told Canta.  

That’s not to say connecting online isn’t valuable, and social media is fantastic at connecting people to their loved ones, especially in a global modern society. If you see your sister posting a picture of her graduation in America, sending a like and congratulating her in the comments are some easy ways to maintain the social connection.  

“Where this can be problematic, is that these interactions are typically very shallow and relatively low effort. Remember that loneliness is about the perceived quality of social relationships – this takes considerable effort, much more than just sending a like and a 3-word comment,” Liew said.  

There is a unique social culture which emerges in a digital world, where people tend to be both more vulnerable, and more superficial. According to Charlie, you'll often see people online sharing private and vulnerable emotions or experiences but posting online feels a little like shouting into the void, almost like you're anonymous, even if your profile isn't.  

“Then, other people respond in a joking manner, and say they feel the same, and we feel validated,” Charlie explained. 

Even the student culture has its expectations, with a lot of our own connection being online.  

If a society or culture has what Liew calls ‘tight’ social norms, where members of that society are expected to adhere to norms or risk being isolated or excluded in some way, this can be very pressurising, depending on the type of norms that are enforced.  

But those same mechanisms can also be used to create a sincere and caring atmosphere, and Liew told Canta: “tight societies aren’t necessary bad per se, if we can create a norm where we look out for each other, where it’s okay to talk about our stressors in life and be supportive, I don’t think that would be a bad thing.”  

Even feeling lonely is not something we have to experience alone. We are all connected, certainly online, and by our society and our relationships. You are not the first person to feel isolated, you will not be the last.  

This is a shared experience, for so many people, and there is value in that.