FRIENDS
QCanterbury, queer club on campus, at UC Clubs Day 2024. Source: Olivia Welsh.
“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.”
- Alice Walker
What is friendship?
How do we define the platonic relationships we form with people which are about love and safety, and finding someone who speaks to our inner selves?
For this Pride piece, I wanted to gather intel on how queer individuals of various identities view the power of connecting with others in the Rainbow community. I asked the deep questions on barriers, feelings, and gravitation to certain spaces.
I hope to present a small but significant portrayal of what some in the LGBTQ+ community view as critical to making and supporting connections – and the power of platonic love that nurtures them.
What came up most for people was that their identity means a great deal to them, and that it’s empowering to be open about it after taking the time to accept themselves.
Identity is also a factor in navigating the world. For Maya Gray, 21, being in a relationship with a man as a queer woman has at times created the assumption for onlookers that she’s straight. But she knows that her identity is not about who she’s with, but how she feels most comfortable presenting herself. That is where the truth lies.
With identity being important, so are the friendships being formed. These connections have helped with isolation, finding common interests, and having safe spaces to discuss concerns. Without the validation and sense of belonging, quite a few expressed that they wouldn’t know where they’d be. The word “lucky” and “thankful” came up to describe how friendships made them feel.
Some individuals choose to ignore the queer part of an LGBTQ+ person, or actively avoid talking about it. Sometimes the only acknowledgement is as the punchline to a joke.
“Making male friends at uni is hard”, said Clove, 21, who went on to explain that their female friends are more accepting, with less sexualisation and belittling.
Not all experiences are the same. One noted that while she didn’t receive any backlash from friends after coming out, her mother is still in denial about her queer identity and representation.
Those I interviewed said that they wished the public knew that queer friendships are just as platonic as platonic friendships between straight people. With these at times allowing for deeper and more intricate understandings.
I asked my sources if they gravitated more toward other queer people and networks, and there was a plethora of differing responses. For some, they didn’t necessarily choose to, but did find comfort in the freedom of being themselves with other members of the LGBTQ+ community.
Others stated that they’ve tried to broaden their networks regardless of sexuality, and aim to just mingle with the kind-hearted. Having friends who identify as straight is just as important, too.
Respondents described their queer community as loving, empathetic, supportive, drastic, creative, and ever-changing. They also expressed that in Ōtautahi Christchurch, the queer community is hard to access due to its small, often invisible, link to the public. This, compared to the hugely active queer community in Wellington, has been a culture shock to people moving down here.
‘The Gay Best Friend’ has always been a harmful trope in television, and even in real life, serving as a way to alienate and reduce a person to being an amusement for non-LGBTQ+ people.
The individuals I spoke with have not been called ‘The Gay Best Friend’ themselves, but they reflected on when other queer people they know have, specifically gay men by their straight female friends.
“I can only imagine how horrible the experience would be,” said one respondent.
This label can make someone feel like an accessory, or that their sexuality and presence is something for clout and status. Nowadays, it's being turned around and reshaped, as there is so much to queer identities.
I asked my sources to rate the importance of queer friendships and community out of ten. Averaging between a nine and ten, with some enthusiastic 11s sprinkled in, it appears that the importance of having these queer connections is crucial.
Even if you’re straight, it’s good to have diversity within your groups, including sexuality. “The stronger the community, the better,” said one respondent. “Being queer can feel like a lonely experience, so having other queer friends has definitely made that experience easier for me.”
I asked if anyone had some tips for getting out there. Here’s what they shared:
“Don’t overthink social gatherings.”
“Join clubs that advocate for what you support and believe in.”
“Try to be yourself, and if people enjoy that then those are the real ones.”
“Know that someone else has experienced what you have, too.”
“There is no right or wrong way to be queer.”
With countless other personal stories shared online and across the world, these all contribute to the ever-growing Rainbow community celebrating their confidence, and acceptance. There is not one way to be queer, and there is not one way to go about creating like-minded friendships and connections within the community. It’s an experience all on its own, and the pathways you choose will lead to different outcomes. The good and the bad.
I would like to thank those I spoke with for their genuine, heartfelt responses. You did a beautiful job at being a voice for this piece, and for the community as a whole.