How To Survive On No Sleep
- TAKE A COLD SHOWER
Freezing your balls off is the perfect way to reawaken your senses after a long night of stress/drinking. Do this as soon as you’ve accepted the fact that it’s absolutely necessary that you leave your room today.
- EAT BREAKFAST
Not eating screws with your energy levels at the best of times, avoid being that dude who fainted in PSYC101 by inhaling a hearty bowl of muesli or some peanut butter on toast. Nobody likes a fainter.
- DRINK COFFEE
Simple, classic, and guarantee to reduce the amount of zombie-ness in your system. Consume just before leaving the house, then repeat at the nearest café when you visit uni.
- WEAR SUNGLASSES EVERYWHERE
Once you’ve got your second latte in hand, channel your inner douchebag with a pair of indoor/outdoor sunnies. Although you might risk snide comments and vicious beatings for donning your Raybans in lectures, they’ll hide the horrible bags under your eyes and cover for you during accidental dozing.
- HIRE SOMEONE TO PINCH YOU
As you will inevitably unintentionally power nap during moments when wakefulness is a necessity, you should most definitely hire a pincher. They’re perfect for tutorials, tests, and stopping your from drowning in your soup.
- CONSUME DANGEROUSLY HIGH VOLUMES OF ENERGY DRINK
As the day goes on and your eyes get heavier there’s really only one thing to do. V, Red Bull, Mother – it’s all good. Fuck the recommended servings. Make a cocktail, carry it around in margarita jugs and pour it straight down the hatch everytime you blink.
- LOSE YOUR SHIT
Although the combination of sleep deprivation and excessive amounts of caffeine will get to you, it is recommended that you take this as a rare opportunity to wreak social havoc. Go swimming in the creek on University drive, streak through campus, believe you can fly.
It’s probably what you should’ve started with. Once your flatmates scoop you up, dry you off, and tuck your naked self into bed, hopefully you will have worn yourself out enough to sleep through ‘til the next morn.