Mullet Mana

By Neueli Mauafu

It’s thick. It’s long. It’s luscious and damn right filthy! It is the most prized possession any alpha male can possess. BEHOLD, THE MULLET!  

What is a mullet, you might ask? It is dubbed as the greatest ever frolicking hairstyle known on planet Earth. It reeks so much of pure pride and mana. Basically, to receive this God-given gift of a haircut, you only need to give the sides a good trim and leave the top and the back hanging around in immaculate form. You don’t need to pay big bucks to see a professional barber either; just grab yourself some clippers, and you’re away. 

Now, when ‘handling the clippers’, do make sure you have a steady hand. Just keep the transition of sides to top balanced. If not, don’t be hesitant to go Free Willy on that bad boy. The state of your mullet really depends mostly on how you want it to turn out. Giving the sides a crisp fade gives it a neater and Casanova type of look. Take, for instance, the Crusaders’ very own prodigy Richie Mounga and his well-mannered mullet in curls. His fade overlaps perfectly in his curls, giving his mullet that extra Lionel Richie effect. When donning this particular hairstyle, your go-to drink varies on a lighter preference, maybe a long white or a good old cruiser. 

It has also been scientifically proven that his flying mullet gives him extra speed and agility whilst he leaves his opponents scattered across the park. This sort of mullet is preferable for going out to town with the boys looking for some interested young lasses.  

If you go for the outback style that mimics a more outdoor hunting vibe, then fancy fades on the side aren’t your go. Let your clippers do the magic by going zero on the sides and leaving the top and back untouched. This form of the mullet contains the aroma of pure manpower and grit with a splash of Billy Mavericks. It is proven that when you rock this form of the mullet, you are eligible to one-outs anyone you see at your local pub while you are dressed in a hi-vis jacket with a pair of gumboots or flip flops. Your preferred choice of beverage will either be a box of Billy Mavs or Lion Red. The energy given through this style of mullet outmatches anyone else who thinks they’re more superior and stronger. 

Now, donning a mullet might seem so majestic but keeping it in a well-maintained shape is truly critical. After all, you don’t really want to be walking around with an amazing hairstyle that smells terrible. I’m not telling you to just scrub that mully; there is no sophistication in that. Take your time. Grab any conditioner you prefer and give it a good rub through the thick goodness. Leave it for three minutes, then rinse it out with water. Always make sure to keep it nice and dry after cleaning. If you don’t own a hairbrush, now is your time to get one. Make sure you brush it out thoroughly so that no twists and knots are grappling in confusion.  

So what are you waiting for? Enough of being the basic person you are. Go on, grab the clippers, and treat yourself to the new you.  

Mullet season, always.