How to Survive Waking Up Next to Someone You Don’t Remember

  1. DON’T PANIC

Keep yourself calm and composed. If you panic, they will figure out that something is wrong.

  1. PRETEND TO SLEEP

Keep pretending to sleep until they leave. If they attempt to wake you up, then snore extra loudly and hope they get the hint. If this doesn’t work (boy, are they persistant…), resort to playing dead. Laugh inwardly as they freak out. Foam at the mouth if necessary.

  1. USE PET NAMES

The first thing to say when waking up and they’re still there is, “Morning sunshine.” Who says you need to know their name anyway? The use of the endearing nickname means you get to bypass all that without seeming rude. Suggestions for nicknames include, but are not limited to: Buddy/Pal, Dude/Dudette, Bro/Brosephine, Babe/Baby/Sweety/Obi-wan Kenobi, etc.

  1. OWN UP

If you’re lucky, they’ll have forgotten your name too, which leaves you in the clear. Either that or they will go apeshit. Tread carefully.

  1. COOK THEM BREAKFAST

Throw some extra tasty shit in that mix and they’re more likely to forgive you for your faulty memory. Have you got bacon lying around that you were saving for a rainy day? Well, my friend, today is your rainy day.

  1. PRETEND IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE

Alternatively, if you don’t want them hanging around, you could get up, put your clothes on, kiss them on the cheek and say, “Thanks for letting me stay.” Then hide around the side of your house and watch them panic and get the hell out of there. They know it’s not their house, they think it’s not yours so are panicking to get out of there ASAP. The plan works.