How To: SPOT THE SOFTBOI

CANTA Issue #2, 2017

The Fuckboi has evolved. Not in a Prometheus way, either. There was no discovery of fire, or riding mammoths. More like a slimy axolotl coming out of a clorinated gene pool, listening to Odd Future. The Fuckboi was the Missing Link but with many, many missing links. They walked among us, like regular people.

Thanks to the general population’s revulsion, and a heavy dose of comedic therapy we managed to deal with this greasy concept; they were exposed. The torch was on and they scuttled off pretty early on into their reign. They’re now less lion, more hyena, keeping their distance to keep their kicks clean. They live on in memes from 2015 and wherever Hotline Bling is used as a ringtone.

Don’t ever lose sight of the Fuckboi, valued CANTA reader. They’re still here, in fact they’ve multiplied a little. Diversified, even. Someone fed them after midnight, or some shit. Somewhere right now a fuckboi is watching us, planning their next move. The Fuckboi is shedding it’s rancid milky exterior for something a little more harder to spot. The Softboi.

Think less 2015 Max Key, and more Drake in those glasses…

Here’s a pull out guide you can laminate. Save a flatmate, save a fresher, save your damn selves.

Fuckboi names: Josh, Jacob, Alex, Taylor
Softboi names: Francis (it’s his middle name), Thomas, Findlay, Harry

The Fuckboi brand: Lil Yachty, Eating clean but still has the BK app, starts on Bombay Sapphire and ends on Scrumpy
The Softboi brand: ‘I’ve really been getting into early Tame Impala’, nice cheese, and home made lentils that smell like farts, stolen red wine from new flatmate

Fuckboi: dressed in dusty pink, and well maintained kicks. Haircut booked weekly.
Softboi: Wears plain everything; he did the AS colour deal 18 months ago, shoes with the amount of wear that says ‘ You know what? I don’t give a fuck about fashion’

Fuckboi: Polo Double Black. Sprayed on everything, including his balls
Softboi: uses a sandalwood soap because he’s ‘really trying to be less of a consumer’

Fuckboi: Singles you out at a house party immediately
Softboi: Will avoid you at all costs at the party but find you on fb on the spot

Fuckboi: ends every message with a wink or an X
Softboi: ends every message with ‘ or just, whatever you want I guess’

Fuckboi: is purposely vague and snarky regarding previous exes
Softboi: Sadly and wistfully brings up his ex within 30 mins of meeting you

Fuckboi: listens to Kendrick Lamar and offers his deep theory on the lyrics
Softboi: plays you Mac DeMarco and just traces your palm with his finger

Fuckboi: ‘this is my boy Dylan’
Softboi: ‘I have some art to show you’

Fuckboi: messages you ‘up2’ at 2am
Softboi: sends the same texts but apologises in the morning

Fuckboi: awkwardly asks for feedback post sex
Softboi: texts you that his sheets smell like your fragrance

Fuckboi: randomly stops texting mid conversation
Softboi: stops texting because There’s So Much Going Through My Head Right Now

Fuckboi: ghosts after you think you’re getting somewhere
Softboi: turns up the weekend after you’ve moved on with a ‘…hey you’

Consider yourself empowered with the knowledge of The Softboi. Don’t let anyone you love become part of the Softboi 2017 vapourwave.

Issue Two: The Greasy Wok 4