CANTA Issue #3, 2017

Steal Alcohol From Parties

It’s time CANTA delved into the things that really matter. We are here to help you. We are here to guide you through your time on campus, where you’ll be overworked, underpaid, stressed and in need of relief. The easiest way to combat all of this at once is attending that house party, and fleecing whatever is left in a plastic bag on the bench. Free buzz!

Tip 1: Be Basic.
Hey basics! Keep being basic. This is when basic = good. Think basic liquor. You need one bottle of something that everyone has. What’s on sale at Liquor King Riccarton?  Get that. Don’t worry, you’re not drinking it. It’s a Devious Alcoholic Prop. This D.A.P could even be that empty bottle of Scrumpy you acquired in Year 12 – easy to fill that bottle with Thriftee if you play your cards right.

Tip 2: Dress For Success.
Big pockets help. Cardigans, oversized shirts and perhaps a large jaunty short. Cargos are for rock climbers and Geography lecturers, but who the fuck asked for fashion? Pockets can help quickly conceal booze when you’re hiding in a pantry doing damage to someone else’s bottle. Besides the less you look like you, the more likely it is to get away with the perfect crime.

Tip 3: Be Safe, Be Seen.
So you’re at this house party, doin’ the most in your cargos and cardi. Yep, you look like shit. That’s confirmed. Never fear though; this is very quickly going to turn into a silent victory as your plan is smoothly executed.

This is where you have your Devious Alcoholic Prop on display. Hey! Yep that’s me, with my bottle, totally all me, not planning on anything else but drinking this sweet nectar and dancing to LMFAO in the kitchen. The aim here is to gather enough eyeballs that will act as witnesses if you’re caught.

Tip 3: Straight To The Source.
Move fast. Make it dancey. Shimmy towards the kitchen bench. Jerky arm movements help. You’re Lorde. You are that diabetic from primary school that one time. You are your mum in the front row of Maroon 5. This is where you single out your source of booze carelessly left on the bench. Enough weird dance movements will make people scatter. You’ve now graduated to the Drunk Person Feeling Themselves In The Kitchen.

Tip 4: Open sesame.
Move fast and efficiently. You don’t really have time for mixers or ice, but be my guest… if you want to be exposed for what you really are. Taking a mouthful from each bottle is perfect. When you swig, don’t move your head too much. Move like you wear a neckbrace. The less you move the better. No looking behind you, no second guessing. Do it quickly, and confidently. Now BOOST. You’re back in the fold, dancing in the lounge with the guy in the BK crown. Now you’re requesting Pitbull.

This is a cycle you can repeat on the hour, every hour. No more, no less. As each hour ticks past, the process will get easier. Tell me; what party have you been in that you’ve kept a tally of your bottle’s contents until it’s too late? Yeah, that’s right.

A word of caution: this whole process is gross. You will be hungover. Nothing will taste nice. You’re a bottom rung bandit and you know it. But at the end of the day, you’re comfortable, your eftpos card is dormant, and you have a wee bottle of room temprature voddy in your cargos. Win.


Steal Alcohol From Parties 3

Issue Two: The Greasy Wok 4