LUCKY DIP #1
CANTA issue #1, 2017
The evening began with a few cheeky wines out on the front deck with the gals, I knew it was a bit of a stitch up but sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself out there.
Being the only single member of the family mum was thrilled that her eldest daughter was finally now on the quest for love, but if she had seen the drunken mess I was tripping out of the car and arriving fifteen minutes late to the restaurant she would not have been a happy lady.
My date screamed ‘lad’ from the get go, ordering the spiciest food on the menu like he had a point to prove whilst spinning some ridiculous yarn about how he only likes red wine, he was oh so cultured. His effort at playing catch up was incredibly subpar on the alcohol front and on hearing that he was part of the intimate College House circle, this did not surprise me at all. He managed to slip in the conversation that he was 6 ft. 2 which not going to lie is a big point scorer for me, however because words such as lit, fam, breather and the phrase “stay scarfie” were tossed around so much it almost wiped half a foot off of his height.
There wasn’t a quiet moment as it seemed we were both gifted with the ability to talk a ridiculous amount of shit, and I was extremely impressed as it’s not often I come across someone who talks more than I do. But then again, fuckboiz are generally blessed with the gift of the gab. All in all was a laugh, even though there are some patches I struggle to remember. Just some sneaky parting words to the man of the evening. Stay Humble x Cheers Canta!
THE OTHER SIDE:
After a long hard day of getting swoll in the gym and tanning my rig to perfection, I chucked on my best pair of stubbies to see what this lovely broad had in store for me. After deleting a significant amount of piss pre-date, I was sufficiently lubricated and ready to give this a go.
Like the gentleman I am, I delivered myself to the restaurant 15 minutes early, just to make sure she wouldn’t have to wait on her own (boyfriend material). The lass turned up around 10 minutes later, moist and ready for a night of activities. We ordered a great feed, and I was thoroughly impressed by the sheer amount of food she could consume, I was really starting to get into this girl. However she wouldn’t budge. I used all my best one liners including “you don’t look too shit tonight” and “you can fit a lot in that mouth can’t you”, but none of them helped me get to the next base
In a moment of desperateness, I went to the bathroom, quickly got on tinder, swiped right to every man and his dog, and effectively chatted some fresher-to-be to pick me up. In a swift attempt to avoid being seen, I popped out the back door, left her the bill and continued to top the night off how every lad dreams off – vomiting in the car and being told to piss off you pervert. They say chivalry is dead, but I just think girls need to lower their standards.