Kia ora and welcome to UC, or back to UC depending on who is reading this.
Well here we are. 2020. A new year, and a new decade. Like many of you I started the year with goals, hoping to improve myself and what not.
What a huge waste of time that was.
Instead of selfishly fixating on some nonsense self-improvement that we’re never going to have the clarity and self-reflection to actually achieve properly, we should instead be focussing on what we can improve on as a society.
Any sound society should simply want to make each decade better than the last, therefore I’ve compiled the definitive lists of trends, things, and people we need more of, and less of, in the decade to come.
Okay yes we are in February, meaning we’re well into the year already. But consider January the month you took to attempt and fail at your own resolutions and February as the month when everything properly starts.
So, without further ado, here’s all the actions we can take as a society to make this decade better than the last:
Things that should be left behind in the 2010s:
- Fast fashion – For the sake of the planet, people!
- Influencers – Thanks to *insert shit company here* for the hook up! Love these brand new *insert shit product here* #sponsored.
- Kombucha – Mould water.
- Fragile masculinity – No Tim, no one thinks those skinny jeans make you look gay. Calm down.
- Stick figure family car stickers – Oh you have four children? Yeah, it’s fine to drive like a dick then.
- The slime trend – A trend that should’ve died as soon as it started.
- Property Managers – Always complete assholes.
- Sharing your opinion in long rants on UCSA Noticeboard – Should be accompanied by a poll asking ‘Am I an obnoxious annoying dickhead? Yes/No’
- Tagging your friends in something on Facebook saying and saying “us” – Yes. You, them, and the 6,000 other people that commented.
- Lip piercings – One word: Trash.
- Eyebrow piercings – Two words: Also trash.
- Kale – So tasteless it somehow tastes bad. Humanity was kind enough to hype it up once, now, let’s never eat it again.
- Keto – I don’t know much about keto to be honest. But I had a lot of people suggesting I add this to the list. So, uhh… fuck keto.
- Neighbours – A shittier, less sexy Home & Away
- News articles every time someone under 25 purchases a house – Yeah sure it might be harder for our generation to buy a house, but be so condescendingly surprised every time one of us does it.
- Mainstream Television – Netflix, Amazon and Disney+ are digging your grave, quickly.
- The closed mouth smile white people do when they walk past each other – This has to die.
- Anything KJ Apa is in – Sorry bud I have nothing against you personally, just everything your ever choose to appear in.
- Fedoras – What’s wrong with fedoras? Everything.
- The fast and furious movies – Enough is enough.
- Remaking old classic movies – A sad trend coming from a desperate Hollywood, lacking in originality.
- Fila disruptor trainers – Get your ugly, obese shoes away from me.
- Crop top hoodies – Crop tops are cool, but drop top hoodies just defeat the purpose of both crop tops and
- Over the top lip fillers – We all know someone.
- The Friendzone – Either fuck, or get fucked.
- Nissan Cubes – Ugly, not remotely aerodynamic.
- Top and bottom positionism – No shame in being either top or bottom, we all need each other.
- Professional football players – Wankers.
- Amazon Skate and Surf Store – Overpriced and lame.
- Essential oils – Essentially nothing.
- Hashtags – #fuckoff.
- Top knot/Man Bun – You still see some people hanging on to the top hair trend of 2015.
- Minions – No, stop. Please.
- That laugh Jimmy Fallon does – Nothing could possibly be that funny.
People who should be left behind in the 2010s:
- Don Brash – For someone who left politics the decade before last, we gave him far too much air time in the 2010s.
- Simon Bridges – A complete loser, his creator could have at least programmed him to be cool.
- Winston Peters – Like a million years old.
- Justin Trudeau – 3 blackface scandals in 1 election, wow.
- Scott Morrison – I don’t even need to explain why.
- Selena Gomez – When was her last good song? Never.
- Justin Bieber – We gave him more attention than he deserved in the 2010s, and for that he now has millions and millions of dollars. Now just go and be rich in a hole somewhere.
- A closeted Shawn Mendes – The only Shawn Mendes I want to see in the 2020s is the fabulous gay man he truly is inside.
- Chris Brown – The fact he was even mentioned in the 2010s is a crime itself.
- Donald Trump – Somehow, he will literally kill us all.
- The Kardashians – Perhaps one of the most talked about families of the 2010s, they ultimately gave us nothing.
- Cal Wilson – Sorry hun, you’re quite possibly the unfunniest person in New Zealand comedy.
- Jono and Ben – Sorry huns, you’re quite possibly the unfunniest people in New Zealand comedy.
- JayJay Feeney – Sorry hun, you’re quite possibly one of the worst people in New Zealand.
- Anyone still trying to cling onto their fame from the Bachelor or MAFS – Sorry huns, you all suck.
- Mark Richardson – Not in the slightest bit sorry. You are awful.
- Sean Plunket – A cancer on New Zealand society
- JK Rowling – Stop with your late-night drunken twitter adventures.
- James Cordon – Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
- The Hadid family – Who? What? Where? Why? This sexy family came out of nowhere and much like the Kardashians, ultimately gave us nothing.
- Max Key – You hold no relevance in New Zealand pop culture and you’re dad is a wanker.
- Retail assistants who talk to you – Go. Away.
- Mr Worldwide – A worldwide headache.
- DJ Kahled – Yes we may have played ourselves, but we’re not playing you any more either.
- Male politicians who can’t shake hands – There’s way too many of you, and generally it is nature’s way of showing you’re a cunt.
- Imagine Dragons – You guys suck at making sounds.
- Camilla Cabello – Barely part of the last decade, you shouldn’t be any part of this decade. Why are you famous?
- A far-too-black Ariana Grande – We’ve let this cultural appropriation go on for too long.
- Arbonne sales reps – Pure evil.
- People who make an Instagram post, screenshot it, and put ‘new post!’ in their instastory – There’s a special place in hell for you all.
- All the contestants on The Bachelorette NZ – Never has there been a more effective way of exposing all the terrible masculine traits of New Zealand men. You all, frankly, seem awful. How is it that two women are doing the selecting and yet somehow the man still think they’re doing the choosing?
- Cardi B – No one understands you, okurrrr?
- Royal Families – Can we stop idolising incredibly rich families whose importance is no longer relevant and entirely abstract.
It’s a great privilege of man to never know what we want, but somehow know exactly what we don’t want. So, here’s some much shorter lists of the trends, things, and people we need more of this decade.
Things we need more of in the 2020s:
- Unnatural hair colours – Get out those neons and those pastels. Crazy hair colours are sexy and edgy.
- Baby Yoda – Yeah whatever I’m on that bandwagon. He’s fuckin’ cute, fight me.
- Second-hand Clothing – Better for the environment, plus everyone has more interesting clothes.
- Trees – Well… we’ve burnt an awful lot of them recently.
- eScooters – Better for the environment than cars, more fun than walking.
- Roller Skates – They’re back in people!! This is not a drill! They’re back in!
- 4 Day Working Weeks – C’mon. C’moooooooooon.
- Drag Queening – Everyone’s doing it. It’s ridiculous, it’s over the top, it’s loud, it’s great.
- OnlyFans – If you know, you know.
- Roller Skates – They cool again.
People we need more of in the 2020s:
- Timothee Chalamet – Cut me in half with your chiselled jawline you hot sack of shit.
- Bi and multilingual people – Lets all make an effort team to speak more languages.
- Britney Spears – Her yoga workout montages on Instagram will unite humanity.
- Female politicians – Let’s get more of that equal representation. Also sick of pale stale males fucking shit up.
- A gay Shawn Mendes – Come on out, you big gay hunk.
- Taika Waititi – He’s great and speaks the hard truths about our country on a global stage.
- David Attenborough – Prize for whoever can think of a way to keep him alive.
- Greta Thunberg types – Yeah young people have every right to be pissed off about the state of the world right now. If you were moving into a property and the previous tenants didn’t use bins and burnt half the place you’d be pissed too.
- Uma Thurman – Not entirely sure why she’s on this list. But I just know, deep down, we need her.
- Gus Dapperton – A self-confessed ‘bad singer’, this guy is just so much fun.
While we were all off campus, the world kept spinning and things kept happening. So, here’s a whole list of random things that happened over the university break listed in no particular order:
Film and Television:
- ‘Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker’ sucked.
- ‘Cats: The Movie’ scarred its viewers, converted some into furries.
- A movie based on the novel ‘Little Woman’ was released, the eighth adaptation of this book to hit the big screen. However, this adaptation has Timothée Chalamet in it, so therefore is the best adaptation.
- The thirteenth, and first female, Doctor Who returned for her second season. Continuing a long heritage of an incredibly bizarre and stupid TV show.
- The First Temptation of Christ (Especial de Natal Porta dos Fundos: A Primeira Tentação de Cristo) is released on Netflix. A film about Jesus returning home to see his family on his 30th birthday, while struggling to find the courage to introduce his boyfriend, Orlando, to his relatives.
- Season 1 of The Witcher is released. I’ve got no clue what’s going on, but what I do know is that Henry Cavill is H.O.T
- Donald Trump gets impeached.
- Donald Trump flops his dick around while trying to cause World War 3.
- The world was introduced to a new youngest serving state leader, 34 Year Old Sanna Marin of Finland.
- Northern Ireland gave a thumbs up to marriage equality.
- Boris Johnson’s Conservative Party wins the UK Election, leading them closer to the hellscape that is Brexit.
- The hellscape that is Brexit actually happens
- Hong Kong has lots of protests because their freedom is under threat.
- France has lots of protests because the French are French.
- The Dutch government drops the moniker “Holland”, meaning the country will only be referred to by its official name, the Netherlands.
- Palau becomes the first country in the world to ban sun cream that is harmful to corals and sea life.
- Former Sudanese President, Omar al-Bashir, is sentenced to two years detention for corruption.
- Former Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf, is sentenced to death for high treason.
- Former CEO of Nissan, Carlos Ghosn, flees Japan inside an audio equipment box to avoid charges of false accounting.
- Chinese Biophysics researcher, He Jiankui, controversial creator of the first genome-edited babies, was sentenced to three years imprisonment for illegal medical practice.
- The current pope and the old pope had a squabble over the topic of priestly celibacy for no reason.
- World’s funniest looking plane, Airbus Beluga XL, enters service at long last.
- Ricky Gervais savagely rips into a bunch of celebrities whilst hosting the 2020 Golden Globes, and called James Corden a fat pussy lol.
- James Corden is a fat pussy lol.
- The world’s oldest rhinoceros, Fausta, dies in Tanzania at the age of 57. Rest in peace, sweetie.
- Harry and Meghan step down from royal duties, this is supposedly a controversial move, until you realise the monarchy do nothing fucking useful.
Closer to home:
- Australia burned.
- Scott Morrison forced a lot of handshakes.
- A whole lot of Australians got shitty that Jacinda Ardern went there for a holiday.
- A whole lot of Australians signed a petition calling for Jacinda Ardern to be their Prime Minister.
- Australia was clearly very confused.
Even closer to home:
- Whakaari erupts. Why the fuck an active volcano was an open and accessible tourist site we’ll never know.
- Bay Dreams Nelson didn’t suck this time.
- Birkenstocks didn’t quite become all the rage this summer.
- Legendary Christchurch busker, Kelven Scott, passed away, aged 57. Cathedral square will miss his mighty vocals.
- A mail-out sent to some Tasman District Council residents about a planned water shutdown accidentally began “Dear Cunt”.
- MP Nicola Willis releases TikTok video from Young Nats convention. It’s 15 seconds of cringe and serves as a great reminder that National Party is made up of people who are questionably human.
Well it’s the start of the year and it wouldn’t be the first CANTA of the year without giving out some questionable advice on how to get through the next two semesters. I myself have been here far too long and have done both irreparable damage to my brain and my body. So, let’s just say I know exactly what I’m talking about when prioritising the kind of information you should know for surviving uni.
So, without further ado, here’s some advice to ensure you do university right.
Advice For The Newbies:
- No matter how much you think it’s not happening to you, you will put on weight and get thicc this year. Do some exercise occasionally.
- Half your lecturers wrote that textbook they insist is vital to completing the paper.
- If you haven’t spent your free $1000 yet, spend it on whatever you like. Treat yo’self.
- Over the coming years, you will play lots of drinking games. Respect the house rules when you’re playing at another flat. However, the exception to this rule are College House students. NEVER let them convince you their rules are standard, they never are and are always extremely stupid rules.
- Hang around on campus, even when you don’t have lectures. You’ll be amazed by all the random stuff that goes on around campus.
- Your high school experiences are no longer important. Don’t wear your leavers’ jersey. The more you reminisce the more likely high school will have become your peak in life.
- Get a LinkedIn account. You don’t really need it yet but establish it now because you’ll want a good account by the time you need it.
- Join some clubs so you have friends.
- Join the UCSA Noticeboard on Facebook, it’s like a virtual village.
- Respect the mosh. If you can’t find a space, tough fucking luck. Do NOT push in! Moshes are for dancing intensely, not pushing people intensely.
- Nitro Coffee from The Shilling Club is actual the shit.
- Cover your stump before you hump, it’ll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. Encase that torch before you paint the porch. House your noodle, then release your strudel. Blanket old juicy, then plug old loosey. Put a condom on, you get the point.
Advice For The Returnies:
- Yeah, you’re back. Suck it up.
- Everyone please choose to run for the UCSA Elections this year, make your campaign intentionally weird and stupid. That way we can finally get out of this rut of shit and boring elections.
- Get a LinkedIn account if you don’t already have one. They make you feel important.
- If you’re flatting for the first time, respect your carpets. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
- I don’t know, I’m out of ideas. You’re on your own.
By Liam Donnelly