Flat Famous: THE URINAL
CANTA Issue #4, 2017
Well if you thought the naming of flats couldn’t get any worse… CANTA presents: The Urinal.
WAIT – sorry, they have a logo.
“Our all-male flat has a functioning urinal. A goddamn, fully-functioning, semi-piss-stained urinal. We started this flat with the best of intentions.
Our original rules were: -No partying -Only social drinking -No being loud at night – Up every Sunday, dressed nicely at exactly 7:30 a.m. for a healthy, holy, spiritual breakfast with kombucha.
We saw the error of our ways. All it took was one, sweet taste of two-year-old goon and a fuck ton of hidden sexual tension in the flat. We realised that the lives we lived previously were empty and meaningless. Through the power of STAT101 and first-year philosophy courses, we founded THE URINAL.
Our flat anthems are the song our foreign washing machine makes when it’s finished, and the masterpiece ‘My Neck, My Back’ by Khia. We constantly freak out about failing our degrees, but in reality, we’re those annoying pricks that you know that constantly get good grades, even though we do everything last minute and we’re constantly passed out or hungover”.
Presenting the urinal cakes of THE URINAL:
Alex: President of PhysSoc. He adds pizazz to the flat with his existential crises and his random sleep-shouting that keeps us awake at night. There’s not a week that goes by where he doesn’t cry about his weekly lab reports.
Callum: He’s the womanizer of the flat: bringing home gals (and a few cheeky lads) every damn week with his extensive knowledge of quadratic probing. Is constantly nagged by his previous sugar daddies. Christened the urinal.
Robert: Sneaked his way into PhysSoc and pretends he knows stuff about Physics, yet barely passed year 11 Physics. Only uses Apple products and wears striped long-sleeve shirts. If he could, he would move into a nudist flat, and start a nudist club at uni.
Tom: Donald Trump supporter. Spades all the girls with his Czech accent and European charm. Is a black market Class A tea dealer and drinks as much tea as all of Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka’s main importer of tea to New Zealand.
Jakob: Random German guy we picked off the street that we hardly know. Asked a bartender once for MDMA at Topkapi and was shocked that he got kicked out. Swears that he didn’t punch a hole in a wall at some random guy’s party. Sleeps all the goddamn time.
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