How To Vomit Correctly

  1. THE CLASSY VOM

Politely excuse yourself and make haste to the toilet; aim carefully, rinse your mouth out, freshen your breath and return to your scintillating convo. Repeat as desired.

  1. THE SNEAKY VOM

Channel your inner ninja and spew with stealth; behind the couch, the nearest pot plant, and an unfortunate handbag are just some of your options. Tip toe at your discretion.

  1. THE PHANTOM VOM

The phantom vomer leaves absolutely no trace – remove all liquid, lumps, and other spew detritus; deny all knowledge if the residual odour attempts to betray your sins.

  1. THE CHEEKY VOM

Raise your hand to your mouth and turn your head as if your about to whisper. Deposit unwanted stomach contents off to the side and return to your original position. Smile and act as if nothing has happened.

  1. THE X-FACTOR VOM

Take centre stage. Do the helicopter, recreate the Tivoli fountain, burp the alphabet when you’re done, whatevs. Be creative. It will be a “yes” from someone, I promise.