How To
Talk Shit

  1. NEVER SHUT DOWN A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION

If anyone raises anything, pick up the conversational ball and run with it. Score a try with it. Slam dunk that topic.

  1. BE WEIRD

Just do it. Give people something to latch onto and think about that they may never come up with themselves. Example: Aladdin and Star Wars aren’t that different. Can we talk about Magic Carpet? I love Magic Carpet.

  1. TALK ABOUT IDEAS, NOT PEOPLE

Talking shit about people doesn’t make you feel good, but talking about how you wish people still wore nightcaps could be fun.

  1. ENJOY OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS

Do NOT constantly pick arguments (I’ve had to learn how to avoid this); let some stuff go. Or, if everything someone says is seriously phucking you off, go talk shit with someone else.

  1. IF ALL ELSE FAILS START TALKING ABOUT JOHN TRAVOLTA, OR BATMAN

I know, I know, what’s the difference?! Not a lot, my friend, guaranteed that at least one of these will get a rise out of people. Actually, scratch that, you know what you could talk about? Whether Sir Ian McKellen should have played Dumbledore. The answer is yes he should have, obviously, and if anyone tries to yell you down you better get all Avada Kedavra on their ass, amirite? I’m right. I’m so right.

  1. BREAK THE RULES

Did I just contradict myself by suggesting you talk about John Travolta after saying not to talk about people?! Well, shit. Yes I did. But really, he’s more of a concept than a man. A beautiful, manly concept.

  1. DON’T GET TOO DRUNK AND JUST YELL

Cardinal rule of talking shit: It requires some to and fro. Appreciate the verbose fecal matter spilling forth from other’s mouths and all will be well.