How To: LOSE A GUY (OR GIRL) IN 10 SONGS

CANTA Issue #11, 2017

Love has been the crux of popular music for much of recent history, and along with some songs that express the raw emotion of love in its purest form, some completely miss the mark, or at least are interoperated completely wrong. So, to save you the embarrassment of putting on a cringe worthy “love song” when you are about to seal-the-deal with that lovely lad or lass from The Foundry, I decided to write a list of the 10 worst love songs of all time (in my opinion).
As an initial disclaimer, I do not think any of these are necessarily bad songs. Rather, they all either claim to be, or are perceived as a “love song”. And all are the worst example of “love songs” that I could think of. Feel free to write in if you disagree or think I have missed anything.
James Blunt – You’re Beautiful
This is a song about a guy, who is “fucking high” in the subway, sees a girl, and decides that he is in love with her. That in itself is fine, however, anyone who listens to this song and thinks that it somehow relates to your relationship, please stop.
‘My life is brilliant, My life is pure’. James, you are high in the subway, how is your

life pure?…‘and I’ve got a plan, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true’ What sort of shit- house plan is that? You can’t just chant “your beautiful” at someone and expect them to like you. Don’t try this at The Foundry people.

Coldplay – any song
Chris Martin needs to stop doing music, I liked A Rush of Blood to the Head and Parachutes, but please, please, stop. This is a personal one. Oh, and all of their songs are sad AF, definitely not first dance worthy.

One Direction – Little Things Nope
Ed Sheeran’s song writing is usually a cut above most other pop musicians, but this just sucks. I get the sentiment, but it’s so fucking boring omg stop it.

Whitney Houstin – I Will Always Love You
Whitney Houstin is an incredible singer, that is without a doubt, however, not a single other person in the world could ever do this song justice. The song itself, while being dreary and dated, is not necessarily a bad love song, but please for the love of god do not attempt it at The Craic. Purely due to the number of horrific covers of this song, I think it is a terrible love song and should never have been brought into this world.

Hinder – Lips of an Angel

You can write a song about anything, including wanting to cheat on your girlfriend, and this isn’t a bad thing from a song writing perspective. But, once again, the message in this song is missed on so many occasions. It’s about a man who hasn’t got passed his ex, and essentially wants to cheat on his current girlfriend. Good concept, not a love song.
‘Well, my girl’s in the next room, Sometimes I wish she was you… But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful, With the lips of an angel’
Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
‘Turnaround…’ Why Bonnie? Is there something behind me? What a stupid line, surely they could have thought of another phrase other than “turnaround”. ‘Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)’. That’s depressing, and quite dark. ‘Once upon a time there was light in my life, But now there’s only love in the dark’. Woah so is that. This doesn’t make me feel love at all. In fact, Bonnie said the song was about love between vampires. This is the true reason this song made my list, it reminds me of the Twilight series too much.

John Mayer – Your Body is a Wonderland

This song could quite easily be titled ‘I would like to do quite dirty things to your body’, or something along those lines. I mean, there are plenty of songs objectifying women or men which could be on this list (The Ying Yang Twins: ‘Whisper Song’, Jimmy Buffett: ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw’, most modern hip hop or RnB), however, the interpretation of the tune has been skewed. He essentially wrote it about his first girlfriend at age 14, and having sex for hours on end. I get creative song writing, John, but this is kinda weird.

Hoobastank – The Reason

The Reason to me is a pathetic attempt at a love song, it’s cliché, boring and lacks any sort of substance. It seems to be about a man who made a mistake and would like his girlfriend back. Wow, creative, what a crazy situation no one has ever written a song about. Good one Hoobastank. And what sort of band name is that?

The Police – Every Breath You Take
‘Every breath you take,Every move you make,Every bond you break,Every step you take,I’ll be watching you’.
This song is about an obsessive stalker, people. It is not a nice wee love song to play at your wedding (this has happened), it’s about a man stalking a woman.
‘Oh can’t you see,You belong to me, My poor heart aches,With every step you take’. That shit is creepy.

Blondie – The Tide Is High
‘The tide is high but I’m holdin’on, I’m gonna be your number one, I’m not the kind-a girl who gives up just like that, oh no’ That both doesn’t make sense, and doesn’t rhyme. What are you holding on to? Why does high tide mean you need to hold on? Last time I went to the beach in high tide, I just swam back to the beach. Your number one what? And what on earth is she giving up on? So many questions, please get back to me on this, Blondie. Oh, and as a love song, it really doesn’t make me feel particularly romantic, in fact I feel like lighting up a fat J, get Bob Marley in there and you’ve got a pretty sweet reggae tune.

Issue Two: The Greasy Wok 4