How To: BE THE ALPHA IN YOUR FLAT

CANTA Issue #6, 2017

CANTA is here to help you turn you boneless betas into the ultimate alphas. Here’s your handy guide to ruling the roost. You’ll be like that enormous chicken in that video, except you’ll have the best room in the flat. Read on and be enlightened…

MAKE IT BIG:

What does big entail? I don’t care how you identify, how tall you are or what your background is. Being the alpha is a WAY OF LIFE. It’s not given to you. It’s earned.

Big is: loud voices. Large movements. You laugh the longest. Stretch out on the couch. Phonecalls are on speaker. Insist on the biggest room in the flat. Keep your alarm on louder, and longer than anyone else. Park at the start of the drive. Make a sandwich with 8 pieces of bread.

Take up the space in your living environment. Fill up the silence, the visual relief, the physical area. Condition your betas to the norm that you are boss.

LABELS ARE FOR BETAS:

Nicknames are key. You can nickname everyone in the house. Everyone. Make it obscure so your betas question everything when they look in the mirror. Make the nicknames stick for everyone except you. Deadpan anyone who shortens your name or tries their own nickname for you. Deadpan them right in the face.

KEY POSITIONS TO CAPITALISE ON:

Leaving the toilet door open. Alternate: Showering with the door open at peak times. This shows supreme confidence and brazen authority. It’s not about your junk. It’s about your status. Eat that food labelled for your flatmate in front of them. Smile. Offer tips on how to make it taste better next time.

Include one Sunday a month where you wake everyone up at 6am for a flat clean. Use a flat inspection as a ruse. When you’re questioned on this, say… Oh yeah, that. I lied.
Boys – fluff and pull before you walk around in your towel. Ladies – tweak tweak tweak. Anyone – get dressed in the lounge. Spread it out, figuratively and literally. When your beta flatties are huddled up watching Netflix, talk through it. Who cares? They can rewind it. Besides Riverdale is shit

Issue Two: The Greasy Wok 4