The Haast Eagle Academy

The forest attracted us to the place. It’s pretty epic. We sacrificed a bit of indoor space for it, the lounge especially isn’t all that big, but the outdoor area is mean. We pimped out the forest a bit; it was a jungle when we moved here, but we moved out all the foreign invaders to give the natives a place to grow. We won an eco-my-flat prize for best hebe garden. It’s great for parties; we thought we’d last out the winter so we could have epic outdoor parties in spring and summer.

We’ve got chickens that supply us with about five or six eggs a day, so we’re on a pretty big egg diet. We’ve had to kill a few and cook them up, if they stop laying or get mauled by dogs. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them; it’s just the way of life.

Our famous flat recipe is the Slurpy Special. You just get all the old supplies of things, and put it with a tomato base, pasta or ptatoes, and mince, really. Anything that’s going off, you just chuck it in the Slurpy Special. It can be a bit of a gauntlet.

Because we’re all biologists and into human anatomy, we’ve been practicing a bit of home surgery lately. We started off with just stitching up wounds and flesh and stuff with the sewing kit, and now we’re levelling up to minor surgery. We removed a cyst a couple of weeks ago – we had a dissection kit from biology, so we had all the tools of the trade. We’re hoping to move into some higher levels of surgery, so if anyone needs a minor operation done and is willing to volunteer for practice surgery, contact us. We can mainly cut things out; we can’t put things in.

It’s a good flat; we’re all good friends. We watch a lot of Sunday night documentaries – Louis Theroux is a favourite; can’t go past that. First person up in the morning will often bring coffees for the other people, and we start the day just having them and smoking cigarettes outside and chatting.

We need a new flatmate, because someone’s moving out. They’ll need to be female, to maintain the balance; easygoing, social, into drinking, and must have a strong stomach to handle the Slurpy Special. Bonus points for being biologically-minded and into sustainability; if they can use a scalpel, they’re in. If they want to move in they can contact David Holliday through the UCSA. We’ve already had people wanting the room, so there’s already a big waiting list, but we want the perfect candidate. It’s going to be an epic summer, so we need the right team together.