Pick-Up Lines - Your guide to mastering the art of seduction

If you are a woman you have heard them all, but I think the two best pick up lines I have ever come across are:

"You look like a pig in lipstick, but I still would."

(Always said with a drunken slur.) It's not always the best at securing oneself a lady, but it is a definite conversation starter, and let's be honest, aren't pick up lines meant to start conversations? Break the ice, so to speak? So why not make them so terrible they are terribly funny? Now to the many PC masses, hearing that you look like a pig in lipstick is, I guess, not the best way to break the ice -- break a rib, maybe, but not the -- however, great hilarity ensued when I heard one of my male friends use that line. She was definitely not a pig in lipstick, but I guess when you are rotten drunk and seeing double the rosy beer goggles cease working for you and everyone looks a little blurred. Quite rightly this friend got a much-deserved slap, but it did provide some quality entertainment for his friends, and the rest of the bar.

"Do you wanna go halves in a baby?"

That in itself is pure genius, as for most people I'm sure a baby is the last thing they want out of a one night stand, behind meaningless, passionate, and, most likely, drunken sex with a stranger or a co-worker (especially around Christmas time). Common sense suggests that asking someone if you want to go halves in a baby is surely the worst way to bag yourself a date for the night -- and yet this one is one of the only pick up lines I have heard of that works. I'm not sure if it is the originality of the statement, the obvious joking mockery, or the fact it is a comic oxymoron, but it still worked for a friend of mine and his lady luck that night. Do not worry, there was no baby to go halves in afterwards.

The Classics

None of those one hit wonder pick up lines that saw great popularity in the '90s ever worked for me, for example: "did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" or "excuse me I seem to have dropped my Olympic gold medal, have you seen it?" These are too unoriginal, too conceited and too cheesy.

So fellas, here are a few of the worst pick up lines to get you started. They are not for everyone, and realistically if they work for you, you must be in mantrol. Use them wisely, and to make it even easier, here are the best places to use them so you get more bang for your buck... or not.

Merivale

• I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but I'm as sweet as can be.
• I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
• Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
• You know what? Your eyes are the same colour as my Porsche.
• I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
• (When seated) "I'm not really this tall....I'm just sitting on my wallet."
• Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?
• I'm very, very lonely, and I was thinking....

The Fox and Ferret/The Bush

• Do you mind if I hang out here until it's safe back where I farted?
• What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.
• Kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name [take a guess]... Liana????
• Hi, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
• Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
• If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the McGorgeous!
• Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead, say no.
• You're really pretty, but I've had a few beers...

Club 22

• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
• Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
• I like the look of your crotch
• I know a great way to burn off those extra calories around your arse...
• Maybe we should take a shower together... you smell.
• My mum says I'm a good kisser...
• Hi, you'll do.

Go forth and prosper, and if they do not work for you, perhaps just stick with buying her a drink.