It’s Knot Easy Being Greek (except, it is)

Alternatively you may have a bangin' bod from a summer full of a cheap gym membership and a part-time job that didn't give you enough money for food – in that case: good for you, asshole. Maybe it's the fact that the last time you made a toga it fell off 3 drinks into your evening, exposing your winkle-berries and/or nips.

It's O Week, and the wonderful UCSA have photographers documenting all of the fun you'll be too drunk to remember, so just because you don't happen to have your digital camera sluttily wrapped around your wrist doesn't mean you won't be photographed vomiting onto the back of your friend.

Luckily I'm here to give you some tips on how to prepare for a toga party and stay 'clothed' until you go home with the person that complimented your knot-tying abilities upon first glance of your toga – high-five!

First thing's first, don't be afraid of the music line-up; I realise that two of the band names involve knives, but I can (I can't, really, but it would be great if I could) assure you that you won't be shanked in the kidney while waiting for a tasty beverage. These musical acts are ideal for scantily-clad-socialising, so just down that ice-breaker and enjoy.

Next thing's next, unless you're desperate for an un-wanted sexual encounter, you need to keep your toga up on your person at all times. I repeat: ALL TIMES. This goes for the boys, too – if ducks can be raped, so can you. Keep it down, I can hear you screaming "Holy shit, how do I assemble a toga?" all the way up here on my high horse, and it's really hurting my ears. Fear not, kids, I'm here to help – and will break it down real simple-like.

Step #1: Chose the base of your toga. Will it be a $9.99 Briscoes bed sheet (flat, not fitted, for those of you fresh out of home)? Are you an indie kid with enough dollar bills to afford a couple of metres of sassy fabric? Do you consider yourself a Classics enthusiast? If so you'll probably already own a toga, so well done, you can stop reading this article now.

Step #2: Now it's time to get down to business. Take the two corners of the short end of your sheet/vintage fabric and tie them together – this knot will sit on your shoulder. Guys: you can have the knot as loose as you want/your upper-body-beauty allows (sidenote: No one likes a hairy back or wolverine shoulders, so please – sort it out, k?). Girls: tie the knot much tighter, and safety pin the sheet together underneath your armpit as to not totally expose "the girls", unless you want to – in which case, let them hang out, soul sister.

Step #3: Get the two corners from the other short end of the sheet/totally cool piece of fabric that was your mum's when she was young, flip them underneath the rest of the sheet (you'll understand, when you're actually doing it) and tie them around your waist/hips/where the dove tattoo you got when you were 18 is. Apply safety pins wherever you see fit, and remember to wear underwear. If Britney Spears has taught us anything it's that a camera will capture your third eye if it's not well covered. (Do you really want to take that risk?) VOILA, bitches, you are now wearing a toga.

Now this is just the basic, hoi polloi, toga. You now have a chance to let your inner Fine Arts student run wild and create a laurel with a coat hanger and some weeds from the 'garden' at your flat, or tie some rope to your jandals and get all gladiator up in this piece.

Last thing's last, I think with all of the knowledge I've just bestowed on you, you're more than ready to make a confident appearance at Rock My Toga. So all I have left to say is: go forth and party like it's 1700BC and you're part of a Dionysus Cult.