Beneficial Arrangements: Students in search of ‘complication-free’ sex

Jane was in her second year at Canterbury when she started having sex with a guy she had befriended at her hall the year before. They were both young, good-looking, sociable, and good-natured. They clicked. To all outward appearances, they'd make a great couple.

But as far as they were concerned, they weren't a great couple. More accurately, they weren't a couple at all - they'd made that clear from the outset. They were, to use the now-cliche term, "friends with benefits".

The arrangement came about after they hooked following a friend's belated flatwarming; an encounter of the sort neither was expecting. "It wasn't awkward, exactly, the next morning, but neither of us wanted a relationship, and we didn't normally go for one-night stands," she says.

Which meant the two of them had to have A Talk.

"It's surreal looking back on it, but we tried to define what we could be."

From that, they settled on some loose guidelines. They'd hang out as they had before - which wasn't all that often, but still happened - but unlike before, they'd also be having sex. Quite a bit of it. However, they made one thing clear to each other: they would not be dating. They would not be boyfriend and girlfriend.

But the distinction was not a large one. "The way things turned out, I'm not sure saying that made much difference."

...

Casual relationships based purely on sex are nothing new. The term "booty call" has existed in colloquial language for years; the arrangements to which it refers, years longer. But with evolving social mores and moral standards, they're becoming more common - and more accepted. One needs look no further than the multiplex, with two major (and very similar) movies dedicated to the subject opening this year: No Strings Attached, starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, and Friends With Benefits, starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.

University is a particularly good incubator for these arrangements; a perfect storm of factors making a relationship predicated entirely on casual sex especially appealing. Lots of people have moved away from home for the first time, they've got the kind of freedom to experiment that they had never had before, there's a large population of young and often available partners, and everyone has sex on their mind. And sex is something most want. Badly.

It's also the type of arrangement which presents itself as a good opportunity out of sheer laziness, self-centredness, and self-interest. A relationship requires effort, commitment, thought - and money. The same goes for the "pursuit" that leads to a relationship, or even just trying to snag a one-night stand. Sad as it might sound, for students with lots of deadlines, lots of work pressures, and usually very little money, it can sometimes just be too much  hassle.

"I know for me, going through second year, I was having not the best time," Jane recalls. "Flatting was difficult to adjust to, and my courses were a lot more difficult than they were during first year. My social life in the first few weeks of the year hurt my early assignments, but then the concerns about that made me into kind of a hermit for awhile. There wasn't time to do anything about an actual relationship."

A casual sex arrangement obviates all this; send a text, a Facebook message, and it's all on - you only need to make sure you can perform well enough in bed.

Which leads to another advantage over a one-night stand. Just as in any kind of sexual relationship, sex improves with practice; you get to know what gets the other person going, and vice versa. You do lose spontaneity and the thrill of a new encounter, which might be too much of a drawback for some, but for others it'll be offset by the increase in quality - not to mention the reliability.

...

There are some deeper factors promoting casual sexual relationships, which were touched on a decade ago in a study from Rutgers University looked at the way modern young singles treated marriage and dating. Entitled "Sex Without Strings, Relationship Without Rings", it found that although young people aspired to have successful life-long marriages - expected marriages should last a lifetime, in fact - they weren't confident that they'd find that ideal relationship. They were also focused on attaining financial success and independence before entering that kind of relationship, and were therefore willing to put things off a few years. Of course, unless someone is to clearly define just what "financial success" is, perhaps by setting specific goals and sticking to them, then that pursuit might forever suffer from shifting goalposts, and they'll never be ready to move on to that next phase of commitment.

So with people only willing to settle once they were sure they'd found "the one", and not being all that focused on finding that "one" until they feel like they're successful in their own life, then serious relationships are maybe not as imperative as they may have once been.

...

Sex is usually fraught with emotions. Happiness, excitement, euphoria... sometimes frustration. Love. Though casual sex arrangements are often held up as free of emotions, such a state is probably impossible to achieve. Humans are emotional beings, and can't rid themselves of these any easier than they can rid themselves of any other integral part of their being.

What is a little easier to avoid is an emotional bond with a partner; a deeper connection. Any arrangement where there are repeated encounters with someone else is, of course, still a relationship, but it won't necessarily possess that connection you get from dating someone.

A more obvious distinction that comes with a casual relationship is what the participants do otherwise. Whereas a couple will go on dates, and become co-dependent to a certain extent, friends with benefits remain a little more separate - but even that line can become blurred.

Jane says that her arrangement "kind of got to the point where we were basically dating", the two of them hanging out, but more often doing so with just each other than before.

"We'd both pay our way, but we were very much doing it as a couple."

And, without meaning to, they may have started to develop that emotional connection of a long-term relationship.

"We kind of grew into this stage where we were emotionally dependent on each other, even if we hadn't meant to be. Even though we'd set out at the beginning that it wasn't what we were going to do."

At least at first, their arrangement did maintain a couple of the hallmarks of a surreptitious casual relationship. They never claimed to be dating, keeping things quiet - although it wasn't possible to hide it from everyone, and nor did they try. "We weren't broadcasting it. If we were, that probably would have defeated the purpose, but so would have been shying away from it too much... it would have made it seem like a big deal. It wasn't meant to be a big deal, so we couldn't treat it like it was."

The other hallmark it adhered to was a lack of exclusivity. At the outset they'd said that if either was drawn to someone else, the sexual side of their friendship would simply be put on hold.

But neither did, for soon they entered a more conventional relationship.

"It eventually transitioned into a girlfriend-boyfriend thing. It just became harder to stick to that initial understanding and became more - it became less daunting to break it," she says.

With the hindsight of the experience, Jane doesn't believe that emotional bonds can be kept separate enough from sex to sustain friendships with benefits.

"You can have a great friendship with someone, and you can have great sex with them as well, but I think it's almost impossible to separate that deeper emotional connection from it. And so if you keep [the arrangement] up, you inevitably reach that point where the emotions get mixed up. And if it's not right, then it's going to collapse."

Collapse it did. The relationship faded away after about four months.

"I don't regret it, but we were probably right with that first agreement," she says. "We knew we were doing it because we didn't want a relationship at that point, but we also - there was part of us that knew we didn't want to be together for reasons we didn't consciously identify."

Now 21, she's philosophical about it all. "We weren't bitter about it, which I think helped. But we'll never be as close as we were again - never as close as we were before the relationship."

"It's sad, because I did value [the friendship] a lot, but it's the natural result of the decisions we made."

Jane's partner in the arrangement was a lot more circumspect when spoken to, other than to say he enjoyed it, didn't regret it, but knew it "wasn't right" to continue.

...

Friends with benefits are only one form of casual sexual relationship. Their less respected counterpart is the "fuck buddy", or more sanitarily-titled "sex buddy". Though similar in many respects, sex buddies, unlike friends with benefits, associate only to have sex.

Which makes them a little less acceptable in polite society. We like to believe that our relationships are based on more than just base instincts; that they work on an intellectual level, an emotional level. We're told from a young age that what really matters is on the inside - and it's not referring to any physical attributes. Sex might not be dirty, or the taboo it once was, but it's still considered something special, and a semi-formalised relationship to only have sex comes off as a bit cold, or undesirable.

But it seemed like a good idea to 22-year old Theo. 18 months ago he met a girl at a club social event, and they went to her flat for what he first thought would end up being a one night stand. Like Jane's situation, it turned into something longer term. Like Jane's situation, they set down a general ground rule. Unlike Jane and her friend, Theo and his never hung out except for when they had sex.

"We wanted sex," he says. "That's it."

But Theo is quick to say that he's not averse to commitment, nor just out to have sex; merely that it was the right arrangement for them both at the time.

"I'd just finished a long relationship, and she'd been out of one for a bit. I don't mind, like, having a girlfriend and all the responsibility that comes with that. But sometimes it's nice not to worry about it. To have more freedom."

And although the two got along fine - necessary for most successful sexual relationships - he says he couldn't envision them ever really being friends, nor does he think she ever saw it that way either.

"It's not that I didn't like her," he says. "She's a great person. But I just wouldn't get anything out of [a friendship with her]. We weren't into the same things. Our friends weren't overlapping. But we enjoyed having sex, and the convenience of that was tops."

Though exclusivity isn't as important to the typical sex buddy set-up as in a friends with benefits arrangement, and certainly not to a conventional relationship, it can still play a part - and did in Theo's relationship.

"I wasn't with anyone else during that time, and probably would have broken that off if I was," he says. "Definitely would have if I got into a relationship. I don't need monogamy, but if I'm going to commit to someone I'm not going to fuck them around. I've had that happen, it's not where you want to be."

And had she decided she wanted to have sex with others?

"She was free to. I don't think she did. We didn't talk about it; bit of an unspoken rule. If I had known she was it would have been difficult - not due to anything emotional, it's just I wouldn't like the idea of... I'd be uncomfortable with the physical stuff."

"Maybe it's out of sight, out of mind. I've got no problem with eating meat, but I don't want to see it butchered. I'd have no problem with her having sex with other guys, but I don't want to know about it."

He considers it a bit longer. "To be completely truthful, I might have had a problem with it."

In any case, their arrangement didn't endure. "She finished uni and moved away. But it had a limited life to it, anyway. It would have gotten boring, or we would have moved on to someone else. Would have wanted something more."

...

Even the most blasé sort would say that sex is, to at least some extent, special. Some religions teach that it is downright sacred, and should only be saved for marriage, or strictly procreative ends. Such stances obviously preclude any kind of casual sexual arrangement.

Still, Jane says she does regard sex as special, despite the relationship she had. "If anything, it just showed that I liked it. But it's not like I'd be off doing it with whoever. I don't think I ever thought of it as 'just sex' - by that, I mean I never downplayed its importance. I just don't believe it should be suppressed, though I respect the choices people make in that regard."

Even Theo, who had been in a more casual arrangement, feels similarly. "You can never treat it as being nothing. We're not wired to feel that way."

...

Can casual sexual relationships ever be successful? It might depend on your definition of a success in that context. If the intention is to have a lot of sex without extra hassle, then yes - at least, for a time. Generally such relationships can't endure; either someone else comes along; or the participants grow tired of each other, or have a falling out, or have to move on; or the relationship develops into something with a stronger commitment. Though both relationships featured here faltered ultimately, both interviewees don't look upon them as mistakes - just not situations destined to last forever.

Not that many relationships ever are.

Interviewee names were changed at their request

SPECTRUM OF RELATIONSHIPS

The One Night Stand
Sex is a one-off thing, between partners who may or may not have a pre-existing relationship. Usually arises from a night out; oftentimes after a big social event; sometimes after a break-up or event that has left one of the participants feeling lonely or in need.

Fuck/Sex Buddy
One step up in the evolutionary ladder, here the one night stand has developed into a recurring arrangement where the participants contact each other for sex when they feel the need - but rarely anything else.

Friends With Benefits
Existing friends add a sexual element to their relationship, but it's not central to their arrangements. If either one of them was to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, the sexual element of the relationship would usually be nullified until such time as it became appropriate to revive it.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend
An ongoing exclusive relationship, that may or may not involve sex.
Note: the two terms are put beside each other to describe the male and female variants; it does not imply it is defined by the presence of a male and female.

Partner
The people involved in the relationship feel the need to use terminology that implies a higher degree of commitment than "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", or feel such terms carry an air of immaturity.

Spouse
Partners have become committed by marriage. Also known as "prison".