An exploration of opportunities for Government-regulated fun

The late night queue at McDonald's

The late night queue at McDonald's has always been a problem. Confused youngsters failing to adhere to queuing etiquette (either form individual lines before each counter, or form general lines that feed into a pair of counters – do not hop between lines unless invited by someone in a position relatively senior to you in that other line). Security trying to stop teenagers from throwing ketchup packets across the restaurant. Drunks demanding that they be given plausible-sounding yet non-existent burgers, such as the "Beefy McCheese". "I wahnt a Beefy McCheese... BEEFY MCCHEESE. Wahy, wha, gimme the burger... don't argue with me... my legs are made of cottage cheese and I can see no more than thirty centimetres... you are an uncertain puddle of cloud. Whaddya mean there's no... just gimme a McOctopus then. McOctopus. M-COC-topus. Hee hee, 'cock'..."

Bottom line, it's high time the government stepped in to put this chaos to a stop. Burgers will now be ordered seven to ten days in advance by way of an online request form, available from www.burgers.govt.nz. One form of photo identification must be presented when you collect your order. You must wait until your case worker notifies you of your burger's availability before you visit the burger dispensary. Police will be on hand with breath testing equipment to ensure intoxicated persons do not create discomfort for staff or other clients. A help line will be offered for confused customers; this will play nothing but Dave Dobbyn, and your call will be attended to within a goal time of 72 minutes.

Urinals

Every man should come pre-equipped with the instinctual knowledge of how to behave in a public bathroom. One must never employ a urinal adjoining another in-use urinal; if the option is there, one must select a urinal that will not deny anyone else the use of a urinal (or require them to break this Urinal Code); and one must never, never speak to another person using a urinal.

Occasionally, though, some people see fit to violate this unwritten code. It therefore should be the place of the government to enforce order around this time honoured tradition. First, there shall be the passing of the Urinal Behaviour (Man-iquette) Enforcement Act 2011, to provide some legislative weight and an un. Next, a member of the Ministry of Justice will be stationed in every men's public bathroom, along with a representative from the armed forces in case things become dicey.

The party iPod

Everyone has experienced it. You're at a party, a great song comes on, and then just as you're getting right into your groove, somebody comes along, starts flicking through the library, and changes the song to something else mid-way through. You groan, your friends groan, but it's too late: groovus interruptus has occurred, and you'll never get into that same chilled state again.

Well, not anymore. To ensure that quality songs will never again be stopped before their time, the government will be issuing approved playlists specially selected by their experienced team of greyscale bureaucrats. The lists, suitable for the enjoyment of both middle-aged accountants at office Christmas parties and middle-aged tax specialists at office Christmas parties alike, will not permit any skipping, shuffling, or other adjustments that might allow you to escape the song that is playing. The lists will be formulated in consultation with local iwi and community groups, and will be culturally-relevant and inclusive, ensuring that not only will you have fun, you'll also be undertaking a wonderful celebration of the best New Zealand has to offer... and a lot of Bee Gees. Like, heaps.

Double dipping

You put the dip on the chip/cracker/vegetable fragment. You eat the dip-dipped chip/cracker/vegetable fragment. You do not return the half-eaten once-dip-dipped chip/cracker/vegetable fragment to the dip for a second coat. The pieces of food to which your mouth and saliva have been applied must not make contact with the dip again.

All gatherings of more than five people will now require the presence of at least one health official from the Canterbury District Health Board (at the direction of the Ministry of Health) to supervise dip distribution. Hand sanitiser and facial masks will also be available to help prevent the spread of germs.

Bogarting the food

It's always exciting to arrive at a party and see those neat little bowls of snacks arranged around the room. What discoveries there are to be made! Why, there's some sweets! Some miniature pies! Chips of potato! Oh, they're just so appetising. Perhaps you will just take one over to the chair in the corner and graze for a little while...

No! Bad partygoer! The snacks are there for all to enjoy. It doesn't matter if you're hungry; you ought to have taken care of that before you arrived, you greedy soul. Or how about you bring something for everyone else to enjoy? That doesn't seem too likely, does it?

What this essentially amounts to is theft. Nobody intended you to have all that food to yourself. Therefore, the only appropriate punishment is imprisonment. Throwers of parties will be required to equip their serving ware with high-tech sensors capable of alerting authorities as to when someone has taken possession of any snack for too long. When the alarm is triggered, members of the constabulary will be dispatched to arrest the offender, after which, upon conviction, they will serve a lengthy prison sentence, during which they will not be fed. That'll learn 'em.