How To Cure A Hangover

  1. DRINK ANOTHER BEER

I have yet to test this method, but I hear it works wonders. I assume it’s because you’re keeping your body at a happy level of drunkenness and therefore not really giving your system a chance to recognize the effects of coming off the alcohol buzz. Who needs hangovers when you can just be drunk forever.

  1. CANCEL ALL PRE-ARRANGED PLANS

Let’s face it, you’re not gonna be doing shit today. Unless your pre-arranged plans are a matter of life or death, stay inside, get all gross in your pjs and don’t leave your bed.

  1. GET YOUR GREASE ON

When your head feels like it’s being repeatedly run over by a train and your body feels physically incapable of doing anything, the last thing you want to have to di uis cook yourself a meal. The best to do in situations like this is to admit defeat and sink your fangs into some junk food – the greasier the better. All that excess fat will be perfect seasoning to your self-loathing and regret. If you’re near uni, visit Captain Ben’s and get yourself a chicken burger, potato fritters, and a chocolate explosion donut. If you’re not near uni, pizza, pizza, pizza. Or there’s probably a Maccas nearby.

  1. KEEP HYDRATED

This one is a no brainer. If you’re feeling under the weather and your body is thirsty for something that doesn’;t last like the night before, then load up on as much H2O as possible. It’ll help get you past your aches and paints and won’t make you feel like throwing up.

(see also: Blue Powerade)

  1. TAKE A HOT SHOWER

Apart from helping you not smell like a wet dog anymore, the heat will help you sweat out all those gross toxins you;ve stored up that are making yuou feel like crap. You might feel a bit dizzy at first, but give it a bit and you’ll feel much better.

  1. GO BACK TO SLEEP

In your current state you’re about as useful to society as Gwyneth Paltrow is to, well, anything. Admit defeat, take your Panadol, and get ready to have the nap of the century. One day you’ll go conquer the world, but today is not that day.