HOW TO: CURE A HANGOVER

CANTA issue #1, 2017

Cure a Hangover 1

It’s a ‘social’ time of the year… make sure you take these top tips on how to deal with the aftermath.

Spend the evening in charming company. Drink cheap beer and expensive whisky and cider from Sweden. Solve all the worlds problems. Dance in your chairs. Tell each other all your stories until you run out and have to tell all of your secrets. Laugh until you cry and leave before you get thrown out. The radio will play your songs all the way home.

Fall into bed in your clothes. Sleep soundly for two hours and then fitfully for another two. Be unable to get back to sleep after 6am. Using only one eye, check your horoscope from your phone. Make sure to cross-reference it with the Person You Have a Crush On’s to see if today will bode well for positive vibrations between you. This will also enable you to feel closer to them in the likely event that you are not speaking/they do not know you exist. Feel free to assume a more preferable horoscope if yours is no good. It is important not to dwell on things when you are in your condition. Get the hell out of bed.

It is critical that you ignore your hangover at this stage. Any attention given to it will only increase its power.

This phase is called ‘Action’. Clean your kitchen with great focus. This will serve you later in the day when your hangover evolves. Only when your kitchen is spotless should you allow yourself pause, albeit briefly, to swear and hold your face in your hands and vow never again. Now snap out of it. Make an enormous cup of very sweet tea and wait until it is lukewarm before drinking it. Your body will be very sensitive to liquids at this stage, so you need something non-threatening. DO NOT SIT DOWN. If you stop moving in these early stages you will never get up again. Think of your constant action as penance for poisoning your temple.

It is now very important that you go and swim in a very cold ocean. Make it happen. March in with great determination. Do not pussyfoot around. The hardest part will be submerging your bits – this will be unpleasant but it will take your mind off your hangover.

Get your head under. What you are doing here is confusing your body into not knowing which of the horrors it is experiencing is worse. The cold or the hangover. The cold will win, I promise. The longer you are able to stay in the freezing water, the less hungover you will feel. This is science. When your body is pleasantly numb exit the water. Again, it is important that you do not stop yet. Drink the entire bottle of water you have brought with you and drive directly to the supermarket in your togs.

Do your grocery shopping. Productivity is the perfect thing for you in this state. The key to this, again, is DO NOT STOP.

The next phase is called ‘Peckish’. Once you have finished your grocery shopping, reward yourself with a very cold coke with lots of ice. It is important to keep your body thoroughly chilled. This will not only serve in assisting you to burn off all the calories of the alcohol you consumed, it will keep you at maximum freshness. By this stage of your hangover you will be ready to eat something. Keep in mind however, that once you begin eating today, you will not be able to stop. You will get stuck in that endless quest for the food item or product that will fix you. No such thing exists. Bake a cake. Eat a huge meal. Eat a tiny meal. Have a snack. Eat an orange. None of this will fulfill you. But it is part of the process.

Now you are in the final phase; ‘Reward’. You got upand cleaned your kitchen! You went swimming…in the ocean! You went and did the grocerieson a Sunday morning! All with a raging hangover!

You are so good! Look at you! You are a saint. You are now In Credit. Send a few messages you’d usually regretif you weren’t so virtuous! Eat the entire cake you baked…because you have exercised! Make an elaborate dinnerbecause you did the groceries! And finally collapse in a heapbecause you haven’t stopped all day!

Try it out and report back your findings. Good luck and good livers.

– Alice Anderson

Cure a Hangover 9
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