How To Convince Bouncers You Are Sober

  1. YOU JUST GOT OFF WORK

Claim you have only just finished your 8-hour shift at Countdown Church Corner and were looking to unwind with some mates over a few brews. If need be, you ‘finished’ your shift 45 minutes ago so have only had time for two brews.

  1. PLAY THE SOBER DRIVER CARD

Pull out a set of car keys and pretend to be the sober driver. Do the whole “yeah I pulled the short straw lol” eye-roll and shoulder shrug combination. But Please don’t bring along the car as well.

  1. HAVE A BACK STORY PREPARED

Pre-arrange with a friend before you go to the bar that if one starts getting questioned by the bouncers, they should vouch for you that you have sport the next morning so you aren’t actually getting drunk. Add the whole “I’ll be on the bench if I turn up hungover” bullshit. Or you can also try some of these lines that have worked in the past for myself:

“Studylink shafted me out of receiving my Living Costs this week so I can’t afford to drink anyway.”

“I’m just grabbing some keys off a friend inside so I can take her to the Craic.”

  1. BRING PROPS

Take a half-empty water bottle with you and tell them you aren’t actually drinking and that you’ve brought your own water along. Clearly they’re going to take the bottle off you as there is normally water inside, but that isn’t the point… you’ve convinced them you’re on the water buzz tonight.

  1. HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

Talk to your mate and face away from the bouncer when handing over your ID. Pretend you’re REALLY invested in the conversation, like it’s a fucking hilarious topic of conversation. Sometimes they can’t be bothered trying to gain your attention so just let you through

  1. SEEK SOLACE

If all of the above has failed, your night is clearly at an end and cannot be resurrected. You’ve failed. Stumble your way to Big Gary’s and grab yourself a large hot dog, dohburger, or curry fries.