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Hello, and welcome to Orientation. Where all your dreams come true, or some shit like that. No doubt you will have many questions. Well we here at GetF@ct have the answers, and for just 4 easy payments of $39.95 we will send you a handy manual with all the solutions to your problems. Sample answers include:

Q: I come from an All Boys' school and find it hard to talk to girls. Will this improve while living in the halls?
Barry, 18
A: Yes, but not for six months – at which time the co-ed schooled guys in your hall would have already ploughed their way through all the girls in your year.

Q: I have heard a rumour that there is this famous guy called "Big Gary" who makes an appearance every year during Orientation showing off his foot-long sausage. Is this true? If so do you know where and when I can find him?
Leah, 17
A: This is true Leah, you dirty minx. Big Gary swings both ways and there are often queues out the door with students trying to see him. Don't worry about where he is, you're bound to wake up from your drunken slumber in his company at about 1am every night during Orientation and for the that matter most of the year.

Q: What should I wear to Orientation?
Warren, 18
A: Anything but School Leavers Jerseys. In fact, if I see a jersey with a nickname on it, I will probably murder you.

Q: What's the best way to make new friends at Orientation?
Sharon, 19
A: Candy. Pocket's full of candy. And if that doesn't work then perhaps think about fixing your face.

Q: How do I join the club KAOS?
Dennis, 18
A: I've heard you have to drink the blood of a virgin... so you might as well drink the blood of a KAOS member.

Q: Why are some of the Orientation events on during the day when most people will be attending their first week of classes?
Nancy, 19
A: What! I don't understand the question? There are classes on during Orientation??? Unless by classes you mean learning how to drink alcohol.

Q: I have an embarrassing rash on the under side of my scrotum, what should I do?
Desmond, 21
A: Not contact me ever again.

Q: I hear Orientation is a time for experimentation. I have always thought about experimenting with a threesome, who should I turn to?
Anita, 20
A: Two chicks, one dude? Email: oh-my-god-i-am-so-excited-ohhhh-shit-i-just-had-an-accident@getfact.co.nz. Threesome rhymes with awesome... coincidence? I think not!

Q: This is my eighth Orientation, but I always seem to scare people off, any advice?
Jebediah, 35
A: Yeah, stop trying to offer people Rohypnol and lemonade.

About the author: Doug Chuggington is a founding member of website www.getfact.co.nz, which recently won the prestigious 3-gold-stars-on-the-chart-on-his-mother's-fridge award. GetFact is NZ's supplier of satire, fresh unicorn steaks and dwarf pornography. If you like the cut of their jib, then why not give them a bag full of cash... or you could just like them on facebook I suppose: http://www.facebook.com/GetFact (In fact if you like them right now, you'll go into the draw to win 50 cans of V and a brand new air guitar. True story.)

GetF@ct are not associated with Orientation in any way and will not be performing. Anywhere. Ever.