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Last week I went deep cover into the world of talented local musicians when I entered the Battle of the Bands as a solo act disguised as The Pasty Chef. At the heats on a quiet Sunday afternoon, I performed such classics like "Think About the Children (But Not Too Much)" and the heartfelt love song "I Want To Go Down On You" to the predominantly male crowd. Despite this, I got through to the semi-finals, to which I give most of the credit to the disguise, proving that a silly hat and a potty mouth are an acceptable substitute for talent.

Through my infiltration into the world of aspiring bands, I got a taste of how much hard work and dedication these people put in. Hell, the entry form was three pages long! Obviously, it takes talent to recognise talent, so instead I will mostly make vaguely insulting judgements about the other acts. Of course, making judgements isn't a bad thing since we were specifically there to be judged. At the back of the room was a table with three eccentric judges just like on Idol. Unfortunately, they did not make insulting comments after each act. This is where I come in.

The event was held at The Venue in Hornby, as will the final on Thursday September 22nd. The Venue is minimalist in décor (the glitter ball isn't fooling anybody), however the drinks are cheap, the space is spacious and the equipment is... equipmentous. This place is all about the music – like an anti-Lady Gaga. There are two massive stacks of amps over 3.5 metres tall. Hell, as a student, they're big enough to live in, and they're powerful enough to be used as defibrillators. (It also helped me fulfil a lifelong dream of saying the phrase "motorboat your hairy muff" into a giant speaker system without getting told off.)

The first act was The Haze, an adorable band of year 9 students. But they are adorable in the same way that we think chipmunks are cute, when in reality they are glorified rats that could easily kill you if they wanted. These kids should be taken seriously.

The problem with these kinds of events with many bands on one stage is that half the time you're forced to listen to people tuning their instruments. The Helpful broke this tedium by telling jokes. Sure, they were cheesy jokes, but that's okay when you have a drummer backing you up (Right Letterman and Leno?)

Speaking of bad jokes, what do you call the person without any musical talent who follows a band around? (A: the Drummer). But the drummer of Chief Chirpa broke this stereotype by keeping his band in perfect time, although he did look like he was pissed off at something. Perhaps someone just made a joke about drummers before he got on.

Jimmy Leigh introduced himself as the "only solo act" of the night, which I took as a direct assault on me, as if he didn't consider The Pasty Chef a real musician. Nevertheless, he plays and sings kind of like John Mayer, although he has yet to perfect his "O-face".

In their profile, Ponzi stated that they would be keen to play at a funeral, you know, if you want to send off Nana with high-energy, heavily distorted rock with beat boxing. You know, a tasteful ceremony.

Blue Charlie included Stevie Wonder as one of their influences, which is kind of like a pastor saying he idolises Jesus. I was appreciative because they broke the mould and finally showcased a female performer on keyboards. Until now it really had been a cock-fest. It was also a nice break from the more rock music of earlier, and the lead singer kind of reminded me of Jason Mraz without the hat, or Amos Lee without the hat, or Gavin DeGraw without the hat. What I'm trying to say is, maybe he should consider investing in a hat – it worked for me, and I had no talent to begin with.

Next was yours truly, The Pasty Chef, and I began the set with the song "Six Inches to Freedom". Then things quickly devolved into a collection of sexual euphemisms and swearwords sung and rapped over the same three chords. Luckily I had warned the caregiver of The Haze of the content beforehand so I wouldn't corrupt those 13 year-old minds. I might be a douche, but I'm not an asshole.

The Shayna King Band was fronted, ironically, by the lovely and talented Shayna King. The band also contained John Butler's younger brother and my arch-nemesis Jimmy Leigh. While it is my opinion that harder rock music with a female lead singer sounds kind of like cats fighting at 2am, their softer songs ran like a train, and despite my worst intentions, they were impossible to dislike.

Until now, I was the only act that seemed to have dressed for the occasion. Where's the pizzazz gone, the showmanship? Are all the other groups relying on talent to carry them through? What a bunch of talented idiots. The band Lupus Lunar really put in the extra effort to add style to some crazy musical talent. There was a vest and a tie, a beret, and the most impressive cerebral palsy/conservative Arab beard I've seen in a while. And in their rocking guitar solos, they were spazzing out like they had cerebral palsy too.

As a general rule, the more members in a band, the less talent each individual has. The Japanese Pop-group AKB48 has 48 members, and they all suck. Hellhounds filled the stage and speakers with only three members with some angry blues that makes you want to punch a kitten – in a good way.

When The Laon came on, finally the glitter ball started to make sense. The dance-floor was now full, and their music was mesmerising. When I first saw a key-tar on stage, I thought surely it was a gimmick. How wrong could one be? The key-tar and lead guitar were exchanging solos like The Duelling Banjos – in a good way.

For the last act, the crowd was now drunk enough to enjoy just about anything. In fact, the biggest cheers came when Open.To.Public was their tuning their instruments. However, they were an extremely tight band, and the first to have a dedicated singer – and it showed.

It was a great night, and now that the music has been separated from the noise for next week's finals (i.e. The Pasty Chef did not advance), it's looking like a great line-up. Sure, Hornby sucks – there's no way to sugarcoat that turd. But the Battle of the Bands is all showcasing some great new acts. Don't take my word for it, come and judge for yourself – because at the very least, it's fun to judge.

Bands going through to the finals at The Venue, Hornby this Thursday at 6pm are Jimmy Leigh, Hellhounds, Lupus Lunar, The Laon, Ponzi, and the Shayna King Band.