This poses the question; how can I pinch off a loaf when I am presented with CIA grad torture. What is there at my disposal, when I am at my most vulnerable; a human organic fax machine, spitting out lolly cake without the lollies?
CANTA has a few solutions. Consider these simple steps bandaids for your social anxiety. It’s a clear nail polish to gloss
over the fact that EVERYBODY POOPS BUT NO ONE LIKES TO BE REMINDED OF IT.
So here we go: the unofficial guide to Pooping Like No-One Is Listening.
Step one. Pooping on a schedule like a guide dog.
Plan your emissions. Survey toilet traffic. Avoid post-meal times. Think of your own body and it’s sluggish cogs… we all know you don’t eat enough fibre. You’re a student! You eat refined white things! Chances are most people around you are in the same boat. High traffic times are estimated at 1 hour post meal time.
You’ve also got supplies to mop up any type of issue. Wet wipes, hand sanitiser, rosary beads, some tissues. I’d tell you to relax, but you’re reading an article on how to poop.
Step two: choose your weapon.
Your weapon = toilet stall. Surveys have indicated that the first stall you see as you walk in is the least used stall and therefore the least germ ridden, but fuck that. You need the furtherest stall from the door. I didn’t say you’d be clean, I said you’d be privately pooing.
Step three: I see poop people.
If your chosen stall is taken, be strategic. You know you both don’t want to be in there together. Calculate the exact distance your presence won’t be detected by your Bowel Buddy in that coveted stall. They know you’re there. Don’t kid yourself. Keep away and don’t be weird.
You’ll silently do a toilet waltz with each other and take cues, such as rustling toilet paper. Coughing. A fake sniff. Just close your eyes and use your intiution. Use the force. Speaking of….
Step three: Push it. Push it real good.
There’s no time for smartphones. Hang up your bag, and get to work. Lay a moderate amount of toilet paper down. It will be whatever your sweaty anxious hands can grasp. This layer avoids the ploink TM* – people KNOW the ploink, and they will IDENTIFY the ploink as a CODE BROWN.