CANTA Issue #7, 2017

It seems like almost everyone gets sent unsolicited pictures these days. We snap, we filter, we meme the shit out of everything, so why not include our downstairs areas in this? It could be argued as a natural progression. What isn’t natural progression? Trying to attract someone by sending them pictures of where your pee comes out.

CANTA shows you how to reply to the downstairs selfie you didn’t really ask for.

This really only works if you’ve been sent a peen, and you don’t have your own peen. Or maybe you do have a peen, but you’re not feeling the fantasy of a pic swapping romance. Grab a peen- like object; maybe it’s a carrot, or a large-ish permanent marker. Get into that classic pose.

You know the one; low angle, smirk on your face, and have your pseudo peen in the frame. Send that back to them, and then only reply from then on with similar pictures. Bonus points if you switch up your ‘peen’ for various household objects.

Are you okay?!?! What’s wrong with it/them? You need to see a doctor! Hey is that what I think it is? Yep. It’s definitely a growth. I sent it on a group chat to my friends and once we’d all zoomed in, we decided that you definitely need to talk to your parents about that…My mum says they’re not supposed to look like that! Did you get this off Web MD?

Any one of those statements work, but also the entire statement absolutely makes a top notch effort.

There’s a high chance if you received an unsolicited pic of someone’s private parts, then they may be doing it to other people,

too. In fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed. Therefore, educate them by replying with a copy of this article. Alternatively, there’s tonnes on the net if you want to send them multiple links to TED talks, articles, Twitter rants etc.

The unsolicited pic is pretty much today’s catcall. Not all people like it, they don’t all typically ask for it, and they won’t be turned on instantly by it. Showing your naughty no-no parts doesn’t create an instant connection or suddenly spark attraction. More funny, disgusting, and traumatic than sexually stimulating, a pic of your pinkish bits can be really shocking.

Reply with a pic of a burst saveloy, or a sour gummy worm. Maybe even a naked mole rat, or a picture of a blobfish. I mean, a sliced banana speaks for itself (and tbh has been done to death), but a blobfish might make them search so hard for a meaning that the blood rushes back to their head.

This is where you get to SHINE. It’s time for those Year 9 drama classes to come into effect. Send them confused, terrified, or wistful faces. Go nuts. Next level their shit by perfecting a face you’d see at Gloriavale on a Sunday morning. Creep them out. #blessed

Googling a ‘pretty’ set of genitals and sending them back with a comment along the lines of, “Do you have anything along the lines of this?”

Even a few examples of so called ‘perfect bits’ might drive the message home…there’s nothing like an inbox of body parts to make you re-evaluate your life.

Issue Two: The Greasy Wok 4